Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Few Gentle Reminders

Dear Jayson (or YOU, if the cap fits...),

The following list is designed to help you remember the Rules of the Real World during the next year.  Just like children, us adults have a tendency to conveniently forget the rules when we are away from the ones we love.  But, with this handy-dandy list, you shouldn't have any problems. 

If you need me to print the list and send you a laminated, wallet-sized  hard copy, please let me know.  (Now that its complete, I realize that the list is way too long to fit in your wallet.)


  1. Grocery shopping at the Gas Station is not practical.  If you need groceries, go to the Grocery Store.
  2. The shoe basket in the entryway is not a hamper for your dirty clothes.
  3. The clothes that you throw into the shoe basket in the entryway are now DIRTY.  No, you cannot tell me that they are clean and you are planning on wearing them later.
  4. Info-mercials (I have nooooo idea how that is supposed to be spelled, and neither does SpellChecker.) are not television shows, and no, your wife does not want to watch them with you.
  5. The holes in the crotch of your jeans are not from working hard. 
  6. Robin Meade on CNN Headline News is married and does not know that you even exist.
  7. A mixing bowl is for baking - not for your cereal.
  8. There is a towel hanging right next to your sink in the bathroom.  When you flood the counter while shaving....USE THE TOWEL.
  9. When adding milk to your Cream of Wheat, pour it from a glass.  Taking a drink from your glass and then spitting the milk into your bowl is not appropriate.
  10. When in public places, put your cell phone on silent.  Ringtones from "The Hangover", "Old School", "Full Metal Jacket", and "Talladega Nights" aren't exactly good for the library, the checkout stand, or your kids' Back-to-School night.
  11. When your wife says, "I'm tired.  I'm going to bed."........Do not assume that is code for something else.  She really is tired and is planning on going to sleep.
  12. If you want to test out your new AirSoft Gun, please do so on an inanimate object....NOT on your daughter's thigh.
  13. Those ads that pop up on your computer (that the kids know not to click on) are a scam.  It is not possible to get a LIFETIME SUPPLY of anything for free.  Your bank account will be charged,   and you will never see the money again.
  14. The only reason that your Honey-Do List gets longer is because you didn't do it in the first place.
  15. Mooning people is not acceptable for grown-ups.  Nobody wants to see your bare ass.
  16. When you feel the urge to go running while drinking, that's usually a sign that you've had too much to drink.  You should probably go get some water.
  17. In the case of using gasoline to light a fire, less is more.  Melted eyelashes that stick together when you blink are not cool.
  18. If you have a mole that you think should be removed, DO NOT USE a can of Air Duster to freeze it off.
  19. Partially nude pictures of random strangers is not a good screensaver for your laptop that sits on the dining room table.  When your kids walk by and say, "DAD!!!!!!!", that's usually a good indicator that the material is inappropriate for small humans.
  20. You and liquor do not get along.  Stick to beer.
  21. No matter what anyone tells you, a mustache does not look good on you.  You look old and grumpy.  Shave it off NOW.
  22. Just because your Washer says "high capacity" on the front does not mean that you can wash 5 loads of laundry at one time.
  23. Your wife may have an addiction to buying flip-flops, but YOU have an addiction to buying boots.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know which ones cost more.  Stop buying boots.  You are good.  You don't need anymore.  (And don't con your mom into buying more for you, either.)
  24. When your underwear get holes in them, you should throw them away.
  25. Before you buy a $700 uniform, please verify that you NEED it.
  26. Nobody wants to smell your dirty socks.  In other words, when you take them off, do not throw them at somebody's face.
  27. Sitting down to pee will not kill you.  Trust me.  I do it everyday, and I haven't died yet.
  28. When you go to Sam's Club with a LIST of things to buy......USE THE LIST.  We do not need a 10 pound bag of suckers or another flat screen TV.
  29. When your wife is in the bathroom, naked, and getting ready to go somewhere, do not take that as in "invitation".  It's not one.
  30. Do not sing out loud.
  31. When your wife thinks it might be a good idea to buy 300 flower bulbs, tell her NO, take her hand, and lead her away from the flower bulbs.  She does not have the time nor the patience to plant 300 more flower bulbs.
  32. When you are driving and you notice your passengers clutching the door handles, you either need to slow down, brake sooner, or quit tailgating.
  33. The comedy channels on XM Radio are not kid-friendly.
  34. No, you don't need a dirtbike.  Nobody needs a dirtbike.
  35. When putting together newly purchased items (bookshelves, entertainment centers, kid toys, etc.), it is perfectly normal for your wife to be pissed when you break them.  And, when you have leftover parts at the end, it's only natural for your wife to ask you if you followed the instruction manual. Don't take offense.
  36. The neighbors don't need to hear your TV.  You can turn it down.  Nobody will yell at you for doing so.
  37. Farting is not funny.
  38. It is normal for your wife to not know how to operate the theater room.  Just make her an instruction manual and stop making fun of her.
  39. Giving your wife the silent treatment until she agrees to purchase a dog will not work a second time.
  40. A Value Meal is not a value
  41. Your daughter's boyfriend is already afraid of you.  There's no need to stare him down at the football game.
  42. If your wife wants the furniture to be a certain way, just make it happen.  It's gonna end up her way anyway.
  43. If the only container big enough to hold the beer at a party is a plastic kids' swimming pool, that means that you bought too much beer.
  44. Do not pull out other people's body hair.  It hurts, and they don't like it.
  45. If there is rain in the forecast, do not spend $9.00 at the carwash.
  46. Brussel spouts smell like vomit.  Do not cook them indoors.
  47. Your poop is not impressive.  No matter how big or long it may be, nobody wants to go into the bathroom with you and look at it.
  48. If you plan on going drift-busting thru the neighborhood, please remember where the mailboxes were before it snowed.  They will be in the same place after it snows, too.  Just because you can't see them doesn't mean that they aren't there.
  49. You don't need power tools.  You are not a contractor.
  50. When you spin your tires in a parking lot, your wife knows it's not an accident.  Don't try to tell her it was.
  51. If you need to get on the roof, use a ladder.  Do not climb out of the upstairs window, hang from the gutter, and pull yourself up.  It's dangerous.  And stupid.
  52. When killing wasps with fireworks, please tell your children to go inside.  They can watch from the window, where they won't get stung and be traumatized.
  53. When removing training wheels from your daughter's bicycle, don't get frustrated and throw the bike down the driveway.  Doing so will result in a permanently bent frame and your daughter's inability to ride in a straight line.
  54. If you tell your wife that you are going to the lumber store to buy a 2x4, do not come home with enough wood, screws, and nails to build a house.
  55. When your son tells your wife that her new haircut makes her look like an old lady, don't laugh while she is still standing there.
  56. Do not bite your friends on the neck.  In fact, don't bite them at all.
  57. Your wife does not want to look at the gross picture texts that you receive from your friends.
  58. The I-Tunes app called "Atomic Fart" (and other just like it) do not beg to be downloaded.
  59. You don't need to buy another hat.  You don't wear them.
  60. When we go out for the evening, you don't need to wear boots "just in case someone needs their face stomped".  Nobody needs their face stomped.  You can wear normal people shoes.
  61. Even when your wife is mad at you for doing something stupid, she still loves you.  She just might not like you very much.
  62. Most importantly.............When your wife provides you with a list (grocery list, to-do list, packing list, ingredient list, etc.), FOLLOW IT.  And, yes, that includes THIS list.


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