Sunday, September 19, 2010

Yes, I'm Still Alive. And, Yes, I Still Know How to Write.

For those of you out there who have wondered if I may have gone missing.  And, for those of you who have looked at me with disgust and said, "Uhhhhh, did you remove my email from your Blog List??!!".......

This one is for you. 

No, I am not missing physically.  (Although, I am missing a few brain cells and most of my sanity.)  And, no, I have not removed your email from the distribution list..... 

I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FINISH A SINGLE POST.  Don't get me wrong - I've started plenty of them.  My list of "drafts" is starting to take the lead over my list of "published".  (Yes, it's a competition.  Everything is.)  But, thanks to the storm that has been my life lately, I can't even finish a sentence in conversation, not to mention in a Blog Post.  My brain can't stay in it's lane.  It's driving erratically - even over the speed bumps.

Oh, shit.....I was going to give you an example of the storm that is my life and one just happened.  How convenient is THAT???

Jayson and I didn't sleep well last night.  (Weird, I know.  You would think we'd sleep like babies since we have absolutely nothing going on in our lives right now....)  So, starting at 6am, we both became consumed with our Blackberries, I-pods, and laptops.  (Oh, and the dog, too, since she insists on being less than an inch from our faces.  Not much of a choice when it comes to her.)  Our conversation went from making fun of stupid Facebook posts... to analyzing Hurricane Igor on Headline News... to finding more naughty apps for Jayson's new I-pod discussing how much creamer in your coffee constitutes excessive (Yes, Jayson, half creamer/half coffee is excessive.) how incredibly awful Tuesday morning is going to be for everyone. 

And then we were both crying.  And trying to figure out how to make Tuesday morning less awful for everyone.  And crying about the fact that we were both crying and trying not to look at each other while we tried to decide what to do about our awful Tuesday morning.  Jayson has to be at the hangar by 6am.  His flight leaves at 10am.  Do we all ride down together at 6?  Or do the kids and I show up later?  If we all show up at 6, will we spend the next 4 hours looking at each other and crying?  Or will we spend the 4 hours avoiding looking at each other so that we don't cry?  Or will it just end up being good quality time spent with the man that we all love?  Or will it be a combination of all of the above? 

What happens if we show up at 8:30?  Will we have missed out on several hours of time that could have been spent with Jayson... just to avoid tears?  That's not fair, is it?  Will I regret keeping the kids from those extra hours with their dad?  YES.  YES, I will regret that.  I know that.

I guess that means I've decided what to do, huh?  Hi, Jayson.  We'll be going with you to Idaho Falls at the crack of dawn on Tuesday.  I will wear sunglasses and cry for 4 hours.  The kids will eat donuts and watch your every move (while fighting over your I-pod Touch, I'm sure).  I will probably make fun of people, just to make myself feel better.  Cliche, I know.  Go ahead and judge me.  Oh, and I will take a zillion pictures.  So, Jayson, you might want to be wearing your sunglasses, too.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can get the kids to wear their sunglasses........

Ok--------Back to above, where I mentioned that my brain has been driving erratically.  See?  Do you see what I mean?  I'll think I'm on-track, and then, WHAM!!  I am suddenly gripping the steering wheel (hands at 10 and 2), slamming on the brakes, and hoping like hell I don't roll down the ravine.  I'm never sure how long the roll will last.  Will I have time to recover before someone sees me??  Or will I have to pretend to be doing something else (like during sad movies)??  There's always the I've-Got-Something-In-My-Friggin'-Eye Excuse.  Yes, I use that one A LOT.

WHAM!!!  And the hits just keep coming.  VH1 just played the new song by Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are.  It's a song that I hadn't paid any attention to until a few days ago when I saw the video for the first time.  Then, like a fool, I was rushing to I-Tunes and making my purchase.  BAD IDEA, Emily.  Why, you ask?  Well, because, it's like Jayson talking to ME.  I am dead serious.  I am HER and he is HIM and he is talking to ME.  Watch the video.  You'll see.  And now I'm crying again.  Thank you, Bruno Mars.  Jaycob wants to know if these are happy tears or sad tears.  What do I tell him?  Do I tell him that I have something in my eye?  Or do I follow my Blog Creed and BE HONEST????!!!!!  Fuck, this is hard.  (I feel better when I say FUCK, so just let me say it.  I don't care if I sound like a trucker.  I think I'd make a good trucker.  Unless, of course, I had to drive long distances or eat fast food or go to the bathroom in a rest stop or drink cold coffee or sleep on a bunk.)

Yes, I know I'm rambling.  But, I think that probably helps you understand where my head has been at for the last few days....weeks...ok, FINE!!!  Months!  However, in this perfect, little, imaginary world that I have invented in my head, everything will be back to normal after Tuesday.  I'll be able to focus and finish sentences and complete the dozens of Blog posts that I've started but not finished.  I'll no longer have those moments during the day when I feel like I can't breathe and my hands tremble.  I won't have to pretend to be doing "something else" and my eyes will suddenly be dust-free.  I'll be back on track, driving along a straight road with no speed bumps and no deep ravines along the edges.  And the storm that has been my life lately will pass and leave behind it a beautiful, double rainbow ( Double Rainbow Guy.)  One that I can take pictures of and post to Facebook, along with some stupid status update about Lucky Charms and Pots-O-Gold. 

So.......I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  I am not missing.  I have not deleted your email address from my Blog's distribution list.  I've just been a tad bit distracted.  No worries, though, I'll make up for it.  It won't be long before you'll be reading about the day that I passed-out at the doctor's office (while wearing a skirt and heels, no less), or picturing what Jayson's crushed right testicle looks like, or what Sydni was wearing the day she got sent to the Principal's office for being "dressed inappropriately". 

Don't worry....I'm almost back.  I just have to find my way out of this fucking ravine. 

HAPPY TRAKS (to all of my soldiers and to all of Valerie's adopted ones)!!

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