Saturday, November 24, 2012


Jayson says you can't give a country squirrel an inner-city squirrel name.  I say he's wrong and presumptive for assuming that a country squirrel would be named "Jim" or "Bill".  I don't see anything wrong with naming a squirrel "Tyrone" matter where he buries his nuts.

Maybe I should back up.....

Jayson and I are too old to stay up late.  Last weekend's middle-of-the-night drive home from Big Piney, Wyoming[1] hammered that fact home for both of us.  Neither one of us communicates like an adult when well-rested.  So, take away sleep and add in a 3 hour drive at 2am, and you've got yourself one hell of a conversation.

Apparently, squirrels eat their buddies[2].  I guess, in a way, it's a pretty ingenious Buddy System.  One squirrel dies so that the other can live.  Although, I'm not sure it's on purpose, and I'm pretty sure that both squirrels aren't usually in on the plan.  So, really, it's an accidental Buddy-System-Built-For-One.  (Does that make it not a Buddy System anymore?)

Somewhere over near Boise there's a stretch of road that's an apparent Squirrel Crossing.  Every time Jayson travels there for work, a squirrel gets a feast.  (Q:  Why did the squirrel cross the road?  A:  ___________________)[3] 

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings.  (Sorry.  Couldn't help myself.  I even said it out a cute, little, high-pitch voice.  Try it.  You'll feel better.)[4]

Where was I....???  Oh, yes - the Squirrel Crossing and the feast ......

When the boys head to Boise for training, Jayson's team usually manages to run over a darting squirrel in the Squirrel Crossing Zone.[5]  And, when training is over, and the boys are headed home, they usually run over another squirrel.  This is where the Buddy System part of the story takes flight....and where Jayson's theory turned into the discussion that kept us occupied, awake, and out of the ditch at 2am last weekend.

As Jayson sees it, Jim The Squirrel sets Bill The Squirrel up for failure.  Jim says to Bill, "Duuuuude.  You're good!  That Humvee ain't got nuttin' on you.  It's like a whole tree length away.  You got this, Homes.  RUN!!!!!"

That's what buddies do, right?  They cheer you on and encourage you to accomplish the impossible.[6]
And, in the end, if things don't work out as planned, there's always PLAN B - Eat Your Buddy.  That's what the boys see on their trips home.....Jim eating Bill.  You know the bastard had that shit planned from the get go.  Well played, Jim...Well played.

Hungry?  Eat your friend.  Problem solved.  You can thank Jim for the idea....or Bob, or John, or Ron, or Scott, or Mike.[7]

Why can't these squirrels have other names?  Why does Jayson insist on giving squirrels such plain, old-fashioned, basic names??[8]  Maybe Jim's name isn't really Jim.  Maybe it's Sylvestor, and his buddies (one of which is now dead) call him Vest for short.  How about Cameron or Aiden or Logan?  Why can't an Idaho squirrel be named Brutus??? Wouldn't a name like that give him some sort of an advantage?  I don't picture a "Brutus" ever being in Bill's position under a Humvee's tire.  I truly believe that a squirrel named Brutus would always have the upper hand.[9]

To make a long story a little less long, here's what I'm trying to say:

Don't be like Jayson and let your preconceived biases get in the way when naming squirrels.  Go nuts!  Name the little guy Rafael and watch him succeed!


[1] The word "Big" is very misleading.
[2] This information has not been confirmed.  Everything I say is usually made-up.  It's more fun that way.  Get used to it.
[3]  I don't have an answer. Make-up your own.
[4]There are a lot of other things you could try that would make you feel better.  Unfortunately, most are illegal.
[5] Real name of a fake place.  No, wait.  It would be a fake name for a real place, right?  I'm confused.  Stop it.
[6] Like...jumping thru fire, rollerblading next to a car at 75 mph with the passenger seatbelt around your neck, doing handstands at a restaurant when you are too old to even sit criss-cross-applesauce, flying thru the air with your mom's expensive sheets tied around your shoulders, and being a grown-up.
[7] Notice I haven't mentioned any girl names?  That's because I've never seen a squirrel that looked like a girl.  Squirrels always look like boys.  That's a fact.  Look it up.
[8] My apologies to all of you out there named Jim, Bill, Bob, John, Ron, Scott, and Mike.  I really DO like your names.  I just don't think Jayson is being very liberal in his squirrel-naming, and I'm trying to make a point.
[9] I know, I know...squirrels don't have hands.  So what.  They don't have names, either. 
[10] There is no number 10 in the body of the story.  However, I'm wondering how many of you will actally read these footnotes and point out the fact that I never expanded on the part about the boys running over another squirrel on their treks home.  THAT would be Jim who gets run over on the 2nd pass.  HELLO!?!  What did he THINK was gonna happen while sitting in the middle of the road eating his buddy who was recently flattened by a Humvee??  Common sense, dude...common sense.  (I just left that part out of the story since it wasn't really the point.  I was more excited to get onto the part about the naming of squirrels.  And, to talk about another death would have just been too hard.  I'm already emotionally drained as it is.  Poor Bill.)