Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Timeout on the Alphabet.....I actually have something to write!

Dear Jayson,

While you are home……..

I will not count
the number of days until you leave me again.
Instead, I will count
the number of days that I’ve spent with you.

I will touch you.

I will smell you.

I will wait for your kiss on my cheek every single morning.

I will lay in bed
(awake, of course)
and smile while you snore beside me.

I will hug you and lay my cheek on your shoulder
so that every part of me can be connected to you.

I will stare at you when you’re not looking.

I will stare at you when you are looking.

I will remember every moment while you’re here on the same continent as me.

I will bare my soul to you
and tell you things that I’ve kept inside for 7 months.

I will watch you while you sleep.

I will eat Dairy Queen Blizzards with you
and know that the calories don’t count because you are HOME.

I will go for a run with you.
(Ok….Ok….I will watch you run in front of me……waaaaaay up there in front of me.)

I will cry for no apparent reason
and tell you that I am FINE.

I will have no excuses for you as to why the Gameroom looks the way it does.
(Hello! I had time to write about what a mess it was…..I could have just cleaned it instead!)

I will hold in my mind’s eye that
when the kids see you for the first time

I will not waste our precious time together by arguing….
unless, of course, I am right and you are wrong.

I will be mesmerized by the footprints you leave in the carpet on your side of the bed
since there have been none for 7 months.
(Vacuum lines used to make me happy. Now they make me sad.)

I will let you be in charge…..
of the house, of the kids, of the dog, of ME…..
because I am finally tired of being Boss of the World.

I will lie to family and friends
when I tell them that we can’t
because we have PLANS……
PLANS that involve nothing but the above.

I will not focus on work – I will focus on you.

I will carry my head high when we leave the house
and wear you on my arm with pride.

I will admit to you that I ignored the hot tub for 7 months
(AKA: left it running, yet only added chemicals ONE TIME),
which resulted in me buying 2 new filters
and paying someone to come clean it……
just so that it would look like I took wonderful care of it.

I will give you my best “sex-eyes”
(Come on! Every girl does that.)
and ask you to help me with small house projects
that I didn’t dare trust myself to do alone.

I will remove the label from my forehead...
the one that says FUCK OFF,
and I will smile more.

I will require that you get a pedicure STAT.

I will tell you about my Vegas Marathon and my Phoenix Marathon
and how much I missed you during those incredible moments.

I will make you tell your son that he is not allowed to hate his sister’s boyfriend…..
just because it’s his sister’s boyfriend.

I will (I’m sure) have to remind you repeatedly
that we are not your soldiers.

I will, very reluctantly, tell you that these last few months
(not the whole 7 months….just the last 2)
have been HARD.
Really, really HARD.
I thought I was stronger than this.

I will ask you if I can get a duck.

I will bob my head up and down and mumble, “Mmmmmmmm”
each time you tell me about a truck / motorcycle / boat
that you’ve found to buy.
Then I will walk away.

I will drink coffee with you in the mornings
while you mess up my newspaper that I’ve organized into piles.

I will smile every time I find a piece of your clothing....
on the floor….in the kitchen….in the hallway…..on the ceiling fan....on the back patio.

I will ask you to help me convince the kids
to spend TWO weeks at YMCA Camp this year, instead of just one.
We would call that “My Vacation”.
(Let’s see if DOG can go with them, too.)

I will listen to your stories of life in Iraq and cry
because there will be so much that I didn’t know about.

I will NOT be in the room when you discover
that 2 months worth of your clean laundry
is in a 4-foot pile in the closet.

I will
enjoy having to clean your sink again.

I will take too many pictures.

I won't take enough pictures.

I will tell you about the 50+ trees and shrubs I’ve ordered,
ask for your ideas on where to plant them,
and then notice your smug

I will make you take the kids to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid
before I kill them both for asking 12 times a day.

I will then make you go buy them soccer cleats
before I kill them both for asking 12 times a day.

I will sit with you for 5 hours while you get new ink…..
and then will want to get more for ME.

I will let you touch me as often as you want.

I will enjoy talking to you
without having to
turn on my computer,
start-up Skype,
and HOPE you’re online at the same time.

I will ask you to wear your Superman underwear.

I will take full advantage of not having to be a NUN for 2 whole weeks.

I will cherish the fact that we can plan our tomorrow TOGETHER.

I will look at you with my “sex-eyes” again
and beg you to make me/let me keep-up my daily running while you’re here.

I will go snowboarding with you.

I will ask you to take a bubble bath with me.

I will continue to send you naughty pictures,
even though you’ll be HERE.
(Sorry….some habits are hard to break.  I can't imagine you'll argue.)

I will ask you to explain to me
(for the bazillionth time)
where our guns are at and how to use them.

I will watch you play like a kid…
with the kids.

I will take you to my gym
and use you as my own personal trainer
and beg you to teach me how to use the weight machines
(because I’m too much of a chicken-shit to figure them out on my own).

I will tell you about things that I was secretly working on while you were gone,
but only because I wasn’t able to actually make them happen.

I will ask you if you know what true loneliness feels like.

I will challenge you to get your son to pick-up dog poop.

I will challenge you to get your daughter to clean her room.

I will tell you what races I’ve signed you up for…..
and what races I’m going to sign you up for.

I will walk away
when you try to argue with me
about having signed you up for races.

I will apologize upfront
for all of the baked goods that your daughter will make….
and force you to eat.

I will not be sad when you leave to go back to the sand.
Instead, I will be happy because
it’s the last time you'll be leaving.

I will not count
the number of days
until you leave me again.
Instead, I will count
the number of days
that I’ve spent with you.

HAPPY TRAKS, Jayson.  I love you.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

A is for Awkward

awk-ward  (awk-wurd)  adjective
(as defined by Scholastic Children's Dictionary....sorry, that's all I've got)

  1. Difficult or Embarrassing  (Example:  "In an awkward moment, I forgot my teacher's name while introducing him to my parents.")

awk-ward  (awk-wurd)  adjective
(as defined by ME)

  1. That moment when your dad finds out - from a friend's mom - that you got married last night.  (Example:  Friend's Mom, "Congrats, Tom!"  Dad, "Congrats?  For what??"  Friend's Mom, "Uhhhhhhhhhhh....Emily....getting.....married.....????")
  2. That moment when your son taps you on the shoulder...while you're in bed...with your husband positioned horizontally above you.
  3. That moment when you're sitting in class at NMSU and your neighbor, after seeing your last name, leans over and says:  "Ooooooh, Geisler!  Jayson, right?  I went to highschool with him.  We, you know.... hooked up [wink wink] A LOT!  He is so freaking awesome.  I'd love to hook-up with him again [wink wink].  You're, what......?  His sister?"  {Note:  Jayson doesn't have a sister.}
  4. That moment when your 11-year old daughter tells you what the 13-year old neighbor boy said.  (Example:  13-year old Neighbor Boy, "Sydni doesn't even have any boobies.  But......Sydni's mom is friggin' HOT!  She's all tanned-up and has BIG boobies.")
  5. That moment when you ask your client how many kids he has, and he says, "Nine....if you count the miscarriages."
  6. That moment when, in the middle of their closing, your client (a doctor) asks you who your family doctor is.  You say you don't exactly have one.  And, he says, "Oh no!  So you don't get yearly exams??  Do you know how important it is for you to get regular PAP Smears???  Come see me."
  7. That moment when you and your husband actually go for SPONTANEOUS and decide to have a "talk" in the the same moment when your kid comes upstairs for a glass of water.
  8. That moment when the preschool director pulls you aside and asks that you have a talk with your 4-year old son about practicing law enforcement takedown techniques on his preschool teachers.  (Example:  "Jaycob has been putting his teachers on the floor.  He does this thing where he grabs their wrist and their thumb....and twists."
  9. That moment when your husband shows his buddy a picture on his phone, only to realize it was probably the WRONG picture based on the fact that his buddy's eyes are the size of dinner plates.  {Note:  It's a good idea to keep naughty pictures of your wife in a separate folder in your phone.}
  10. That moment when you come back to work....high on pain meds....thinking you are hiding the two new additions on your chest....and your customer says, "Heeeeey......did you have a medical procedure done last week [big grin]?"
  11. That moment when your husband tells his mother that his "roommate" for the last 2 months is actually his WIFE.
  12. That moment when you're leaving for Boot Camp and your dad says, "Emily, I'm not dumb.  I know you've been smoking more than cigarettes.  Are you ready?  Here are some cranberry pills and some juice.  Good luck."
  13. That moment when you find yourself using a Baskin Robbins sample spoon to scoop your husbands poop from a plastic cup into a little, plastic vial for him to take to the doctor to test for poisoning.
  14. That moment when you notice something behind the toilet and discover that it's the little, plastic vial of your husband's poop that YOU scooped with a Baskin Robbins sample spoon for HIM to take to the doctor......which he didn't.
  15. That moment when you've just admitted to your loyal readers that you played with your husband's poop using a Baskin Robbins sample spoon.


Saturday, March 26, 2011


After that last post of mine, wherein my gameroom looked like a tidal wave of holiday decorations, some of you may be worried that my house might have eaten me.

No worries.  I'm still here.  (And so is the mess in the gameroom.)

I've just been distracted.  Not sure if that is the right word, fits for now.  Remember, back in August/September, when I referred to my "brain" as being a "car" that couldn't stay in it's lane?  And I talked about driving erratically - even over the speedbumps?  And I was constantly veering off the road and rolling down into a ravine????  (I sound crazy, don't I?)  Well, THAT is back (whatever THAT is....).  But, this time, it brought a friend.


I thought we'd met before, but I was wrong.  I had no idea what Loneliness was like....until now. 

I don't care for her one bit.  We are NOT getting along.  Loneliness is a bitch, and I have (not so) kindly asked her to leave.  She doesn't listen very well, though.  So now I am stuck with Loneliness and THAT (whatever THAT is) until I figure out a plan to get them to leave me alone. 

In the meantime, I'm gonna try writing.  Remember.......?  I’m the one who made a commitment to write on a regular basis…..the one who LOVES to write……the one who decided that this year-long deployment would be easier for me if I used writing as an “outlet” (rather than drugs and sex - since the good drugs are illegal and sex, well…..that would be illegal, too).

I'm pretty sure it's THAT and Loneliness which have prevented me from publishing a single thing since January. But, since my demons have kept me so distracted, I can't focus long enough to come up with anything important enough to write about.  So this is what I'm going to do:

I'm going to write my ABC's.  (Maybe going back to the basics is exactly what I need.)  Starting with A and ending with Z (for those of you who aren't familiar with the alphabet, A and Z are the 1st and last letters), I am going to pick one word to write about.  Does that make sense?  It did make sense to me, until I started trying to explain it to you.  Now, it just sounds like I'm crazy.  Whatever.  I'll just show you........later. 

Right now I need to go run.  But, later, I'll show you what I mean when I start with:

A is for Awkward