Monday, November 14, 2011


Ok....For those of you who have read my last post and are patiently waiting for the next post (where I confess that I spent most of my Southern California childhood wearing nothing but bubbles and face paint.....)

You're gonna have to wait. 
I need to back track.
I skipped something that happened here in CURRENT Emily Land.

My Battle Buddy came home.
Yep.  Jayson is baaaaaaaack!

September 14, 2011

This is how my morning went:

He's not getting a flight home today.
I'm going to work.
He's getting a flight today.
I'm not going to work.
He's not getting a flight today.
I'm making a drink.
He's getting a flight.
I'm making another drink.
He's not getting a flight.
I'm drunk.
He's getting a flight.
I'm making another drink.

So, in all my nervous glory, I showed up at the Idaho Falls hangar with enough vodka in me to fuel a small forest fire.
Water.  Must....drink....water.
So, I did.  I slouched on a leather couch, drank water, and people-watched.

I saw whole families walk thru the door - aunts, cousins, grandparents, mom, dad, and siblings all there to hug their soldier.
I watched countless women come in, struggling to walk in the "cute" outfit that they had probably spent DAYS obsessing over in order for it to be JUST RIGHT for that moment when their soldier steps off the plane.  (Good thing I was drinking when I got ready, or else I would have been stumbling around in hooker shoes, too.)

My favorite part of people-watching that morning....?
Seeing the MOMS.
Seeing the frazzled, stressed-out, stroller pushing MOM struggle with the door while being dragged down by 2 leach children clinging to her like dryer sheets.  All the while, dropping juice cups and Cheerios and pacifiers and looking as though she'd already been committed to the Mental Ward of the local hospital, but had planned her escape just right so that it would coincide with TODAY.  Today - the day she's been waiting for since September 21, 2010, when the other half of her life, the other half of her heart, the other half of her SANITY left.  This mom knows that TODAY there will be a moment - a moment when she will know that EVERYTHINGS GONNA BE ALRIGHT.  (Thank you, Bob Marley, for always helping me find the words.)

During my people-watching, I figured two things out.

#1.  If my 11 and 12 year-old hung from my body EVER, I would disown them.
#2.  My EVERYTHING was already alright, and the plane hadn't even landed yet.

My EVERYTHING was just about to get BETTER.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

E is for EMILY (The Early Years)

Emily (em-uh-lee)  noun
(as defined by
  1. a female given name; from a Latin word meaning industrious

Emily  (em-uh-lee)  noun
(as defined by my memory)

I was born in Phoenix, Arizona in 1979.  That was when high-waisted, tight-ass pants were still cool, men wore bandanas tied around their thighs (you never know when you're gonna need a tourniquet), and station wagons were the shit. I was blessed with a first name that I've always loved...and a last name that prevented me from ever being all-the-way-cool.  I tried whispering it, but then I was asked to repeat it louder...and spell it. D-I-C-K-M-A-N 

Since it didn't look as though my modeling career would ever flourish in Arizona, my parents packed up our wicker furniture, our braided rugs, and all of our bandanas and we moved west to Southern California.  In true hippie fashion, we took up residence at a Camp (not of the nudist variety).  My dad was the caretaker, my mom threw pottery and cleaned cabins, and I made friends with the neighbor kid who always seemed to be in a full-body cast.  My dad carried me around on his shoulders a lot, which I don't understand the concept of - Who is that fun for, anyway? And my mom liked to dress me in nothing but a frilly apron with a bandana folded in a triangle and tied over my head. (My dad must have had extras that he wasn't using for tourniquets.)

Somewhere between killing rattlesnakes and pushing water out of our flooded Camp House carpets with flip flops, my parents decided that the Dickman Team of Three would be more effective if we spread our forces.  In other words, Mr. and Mrs. Dickman got a divorce.  Since I was only 4 at the time, I don't remember much about the whole process.  I can only assume, though, that they said something like this, "Emily, we are getting a divorce.  Mom and Dad will live in different houses and take turns seeing you.  We still love you."  And, this is what I probably heard, "Emily, we are getting a dog that looks like a horse.  Mommy and Daddy will live in different houses because the DogHorse will be too big to only live in one house.  We will all take turns riding DogHorse.  We still love that you suck your thumb.  Feel free to continue doing so until you are 6.  DogHorse will buy you braces."

I only remember one trip to the courthouse for the DogHorse Case.  After which my mom and I left in search of her van that held a coveted 2 pound bag of peanut M&M's.  (Bribery? I don't know.  Maybe.) Unfortunately, as we learned that day, peanut M&M's make your big, giant '70s era van invisible.  That's right - invisible.  As in, it doesn't matter how many hours you spend wandering around downtown San Diego looking, you will NOT find your van.  Well, at least until the 2 pounds of M&M's are melted.  THEN you will find your van.  So much for bribery.  That was the last time I let someone lure me with peanut M&M's.  (Ok.  That's a lie.  I allow my life to be dictated by peanut M&M's all the time.  Except the red and blue ones.  Those are gross.)

I don't know if it was the idea of being responsible for a DogHorse or if he had simply worn a hole in his last bandana, but my dad finally left the Hippie Life behind.  He moved into an apartment and bought me a bunk bed and a play kitchen!!!!!  Oh happy day.  I spent my nights cooking fake food and washing dishes in a sink the size of my eyeball.  Of course, that was how I unwound from my hectic days at Preschool.  Playing with LightBrights and pretending to be the Boss of all the Four Year Olds was tough.  The only way I could keep my energy up during recess was to eat sand out of the sandbox (the one with the least amount of cat poo) and pilfer doggie biscuits from the storage shed behind the preschool.  Nobody could have possibly lived off of snacktime alone.  I mean, really?  An apple slice and an Oreo????  Puh-leaz.  I'll supplement with dirty sand and Milkbones, thank you very much.

I think my naughty snacking era coincided with the period in my life when I discovered how truly far I could push my mom's patience.  That was when I discovered bubblegum, but lacked the ability to blow an actual fucking bubble.  My mother let me keep trying, tho.....every morning on the way to preschool in the '70s era van, the woman ENCOURAGED me to try again and again to form a BubbleYum bubble until there were more wads of gum on the floor than in the damn gum package.  Is that normal behavior for a mom??  If so, then I failed epically with my kids because they're almost teenagers and I wouldn't trust them to blow a bubble in the middle of a dirt field, not to mention huck their slobbery wads on the dash of my Escalade.

I wonder if I ever came home to my dad's apartment with gum in my hair.  That would explain our daily hair-brushing-dance.  While I may have been bald and fat (and bald) until I was 2, I more than made up for it by age 5 with curly thick hair that hung to my cute little butt (Let's just go with the thought that it was cute then because it sure as shit isn't now.)  Everyone thought my hair was soooooo pretty.  I thought they were all idiots and should, just once, experience having it brushed by my father.  Do you remember what it was like to brush Barbie's hair?  You'd use that itty bitty brush and pull on Whore Barbie's hair until her head was touching her butt.  (Sometimes her head would actually pop off.)  But, you'd make Barbie endure this because, damn it, if she was gonna be out whoring around with Ken and turning her beautiful locks all a-fro, this was the price she was just gonna have to pay.  Yep.  I was Barbie (minus the whoring around and minus the boyfriend named Ken - my boyfriend's name was David).  My father was the kid with the itty bitty brush.  It's a miracle that I have any hair left.  What's even more amazing, tho, is that I didn't grow up to be a circus freak with the ability to put my face in the crack of my own ass.

Just the thought of that talent being a possibility for me is really distracting.  I have to go see if I can do it.  I'll write more later.


Friday, July 22, 2011

D is for Deployment

deployment (dee-ploy-ment)  noun
(as defined by Mirriam Webster Online)
  1. A time when (military) forces are distributed in preparation for battle or work ___________________________________________________

deployment (dee-ploy-ment)  noun
(as defined by ME)

  1. Buying ducks seems like a good idea.  They're cute, little, and fuzzy. 
  2. You learn that ducks poop every 5-10 minutes.  Serious.  Every 5-10 minutes.  Like clockwork.
  3. You will experience your first mid-life crisis.
  4. You will NEVER go to bed when you wanted to.
  5. You will develop a bonafide obsession with FaceBook, Email, and Skype.  You only thought you were addicted before.
  6. You learn just how much you miss sex.  (Yep.  I said it. S-E-X.)
  7. You give yourself way too many high fives.
  8. You are left uncensored for entirely too long.  Those things that your spouse would normally talk you out of,'re gonna say 'em.
  9. You enjoy the WHOLE bed.
  10. Your kids will spend more time grounded than un-grounded.
  11. You come to realize that some people in your life are really truly not worth your time.  (If you are reading this one and assuming that I am referring to YOU, then you are either correct....or feeling guilty about something.)
  12. You will experience your second mid-life crisis.
  13. It's NOT a good idea for your spouse to leave you with a new DOG.
  14. You learn how to cry.
  15. You discover new friends and re-discover old ones.
  16. You will experience your third mid-life crisis and come to realize that this "crisis" is permanent.
  17. You develop obsessions for everything patriotic.
  18. Your 12-year old son will sleep on the floor at the end of your bed with a Halloween Lantern for 3 months.
  19. You celebrate the small victories, like.....changing the batteries in the thermostat ALL BY YOURSELF.  (This will be one of those high five moments that was mentioned in #7 above.)
  20. You discover that your built-in "Voice-Of-Reason" might need some maintenance.
  21. You won't let your kids turn on the heat upstairs until you go up there to vacuum...and see your own breath.  (I think this was due to #20 above.)
  22. You will take-on waaaaaaaaaaay more than you can handle.
  23. You take (and email) enough nude pictures of yourself to draw the attention of Hugh Hefner.
  24. Even after hearing it for 10 months, you still won't know how to respond when people look at you with their Sad Face and ask that you tell your spouse THANK YOU for his service.  (Do I say, "You're welcome."?????)
  25. You make-up a lot of lies just to keep yourself entertained.  (See the last part of #23 above.  It wasn't Hugh who was the local Sheriff's Department.)
  26. You eventually come to your senses and put a stop to allowing your 2 ungrateful children to attend gymnastics...2 nights a 2 different towns (neither town being where you actually live).
  27. Even though your husband is FIXED and you've had an ablation (go look it up - I don't feel like explaining), you spend a whole week thinking you are EFFING PREGNANT after your spouse comes home on leave.  Now, how do you explain THAT ONE??!!
  28. You learn that YOU AREN'T MARY (and Baby Jesus will not be making an appearance at your house).  Nope.  You, my dear, are pre-menopausal at the ripe 'ole age of 32.
  29. You start to feel bad about #26 above, enroll the kids in a new gymnastics program and throw in a dash of soccer...four days a fucking week while preparing for Football Season, which will consume six days of your week.
  30. You will get the kids' downstairs toilet fixed just in time for the upstairs guest toilet to break.
  31. You will threaten to get rid of your husband's dog three times...each day.
  32. The ladies at the post office will know your name.  They will also know that you sent your husband a pair of Superman Underwear for Christmas.
  33. You will buy more cases of beer than when your husband was here.  Because that's how you will pay people to help you while your husband is gone.
  34. Loneliness will become REAL.
  35. You will research and come THIS CLOSE to buying a pair of flying squirrels.
  36. You won't do even half of the "fun" home projects you had planned for while he was gone.
  37. A very important decision will be made - Next time he deploys, you're moving into a 3 bedroom / 2 bath house that has no yard and comes with a handyman (who also plows snow). 
  38. You will make dinner 7 times.
  39. You will be TIRED...exhausted to the core.
  40. You discover that, YES, you can actually function without him. now know something for sure - You would never be able to truly live without him.  HE IS YOUR EVERYTHING.
  41. You will learn to control those little panic attacks.  The shortness of breath, the incessant heart pounding, the spinning......all a result of letting yourself think that he won't come home.  YOU WILL LEARN TO CONTROL THOSE LITTLE PANIC ATTACKS.
  42. Those info-mercials for getting rid of "fine lines & wrinkles" won't be so stupid anymore.  (You've got a "friend" who could use some help with crows feet and frown lines.....)
  43. You will miss someone.
  44. Your kids will grow accustomed to the fact that you sometimes come home from work and lock yourself in your room.
  45. Planting 50 more trees/shrubs will seem like a really NEAT idea.  Then, when you're done, you'll realize that you don't know how to tie those 50 more trees/shrubs into the existing dripline.  So, go ahead and pencil-in an hour a day for hand-watering.  (You can just squeeze that in between gymnastics and soccer.)
  46. You will allow your kids to get away with murder.
  47. You will allow your husband to get away with murder (AKA unnecessary vehicle purchases).
  48. No matter how hard you try to fill the year up with races, vacations, projects, work, hobbies, celebrations, and kids' activities, TIME WILL STAND STILL.  You will find yourself holding your breath...waiting for him to come home. 
  49. You will grow in more ways than you ever thought imaginable.  You will walk away at the end of this stronger, smarter, and, most importantly, IN LOVE (with your husband - not with alcohol.)

Monday, April 25, 2011

C is for Confessions

con-fes-sion  (kun-fe-shunnoun
(as defined by Merriam-Webster Online because I can't find the Scholastic Children's Dictionary that I normally rely on)
  1. A written or oral acknowledgement of guilt

con-fes-sion  (kun-fe-shunnoun
(as defined by ME)
  1. I have OCD.  I have OCD.  I have OCD.
  2. I love Copper - the dog that I REFUSED to let Jayson buy.
  3. After being super excited and insisting that I watch Jayson's vasectomy, I almost passed out when Jayson said he could feel the "tugging".
  4. I don't lie.
  5. I count while I'm unrolling toilet paper.  I don't count the squares...I just count the time it takes me to unroll it.
  6. I have had a colonoscopy.
  7. I set my alarm so that I can hit SNOOZE 5 times.
  8. Since Jayson left for Iraq, and my children morphed into bonafide devils, I sometimes hide in my room with the door locked.  Kind of like a fugitive.
  9. I have to fold washcloths with the tag in.
  10. When I use a washcloth, I have to use the non-tag side for my face and the tag-side for other body parts.
  11. I use Q-tips to clean my nose every single morning.
  12. I ate at Taco Bell yesterday.  (This was the first time since.....I-have-no-idea.)
  13. I LOVED what I ate at Taco Bell yesterday.
  14. I don't know how to change a tire.
  15. I have backed into Jayson's our driveway.
  16. I have backed into (and ran over) Jayson's our driveway.
  17. I have backed into our landscaper's our driveway.
  18. I do A LOT OF STUFF just to piss people off.
  19. I can't sit in between people.  I need to sit at one end or the other.
  20. I can't touch a paper towel with dry hands.
  21. If I take my socks off, but need to put them back on, they have to go back on the same foot they came off of.
  22. I touch my butt a lot.  When I have clothes on, Sicko.
  23. I can only eat square-end french fries.
  24. I have to park in the same parking spot at work every single day.
  25. I would not be able to take a shower backwards.
  26. When I'm cleaning, I wipe each spot twice.
  27. I try to match my underwear to my outfit.
  28. Jayson should not have let me get ducks.  I'm not responsible enough to own ducks.  He should have gotten me rubber ones and sent me to the river to watch the real ones poop every 6 minutes.
  29. I cried at Mile 25 during the Phoenix Marathon.
  30. I have gotten my butt cheeks stuck to the bottom of the bathtub.  Don't worry.  I am now unstuck.  Please don't come to my rescue.
  31. I have a mini-breakdown if someone uses my toilet...and that includes my husband and kids.
  32. One of my favorite running songs is by Marilyn Manson.
  33. I own a Shake Weight.  And I use it.  (Yes, we are talking Infomercial ShakeWeight...)
  34. I lie a lot.
  35. I used to smoke.  I hated it.
  36. I got kicked off my volleyball team in highschool for drinking at a weekend party.
  37. I pee in the shower.  And, for those of you who think this is gross and insist that you would NEVER........well, try it.  It won't kill you.  And it saves water, time, and toilet paper.
  38. Right after we got married, Jayson and I stole a set of pots and pans from our roommate in Fayetteville, NC.
  39. I can't touch foam.
  40. Jayson's deployment has been harder than I ever imagined it would be.  And THAT has resulted in me going slightly off the deep end.  Running is my flotation device.  I will keep treading water and get out of the pool in the Fall.

Friday, April 8, 2011

B is for Beautiful

beau-ti-ful  (byoo-ti-fuhl)  adjective
(as defined by Scholastic Children's Dictionary.....sorry, that's all I've got, remember?)
  1. Very pleasant to look at or listen to  (Example:  "You have a beautiful smile.")

beau-ti-ful  (byoo-ti-fuhl)  adjective
(as defined by ME)

  1. Sunsets that make you wonder if the sky is on fire. 
  2. A 100-year old woman with a lifetime of stories to tell.
  3. Seeing your son comfort his sister. 
  4. A baby's smile.
  5. Snowflakes.
  6. That moment when you are able to actually touch your husband for the first time in months.
  7. Sunrises.
  8. Your child's artwork.
  9. Flowers that YOU planted.
  10. Snow-covered fences.
  11. That moment when you know you've won the argument.
  12. A sleeping baby.
  13. The Start Line of a Marathon.
  14. The Finish Line of a Marathon.
  15. An organized desk with everything in straight lines.
  16. Your kids getting along with each other.
  17. That moment when you find yourself kayaking completely alone in the middle of the lake.
  18. Raindrops on a sunroof.
  19. The naked, vulnerable human body.
  20. That moment when you FINALLY make a decision.
  21. Carving down a Black Diamond run ALL...BY...YOURSELF.
  22. The sound of a baby's laugh.
  23. Two people in love.
  24. A toilet with no pee on the seat.
  25. A candle burning in the dark.
  26. That moment when your family is back together again.
  27. A sink with no toothpaste smeared in it.
  28. Snow-covered trees.
  29. Your neighbor's snowdrift.
  30. The look on your kids' faces when they FINALLY believe that their parents really are Wonder Woman and Superman.
  31. Music in the dark.
  32. Tattoos.
  33. Courage.
  34. Lightning storms.
  35. Even numbers.
  36. Organized piles.
  37. Perfect rows.
  38. Right angles.
  39. Hearing your dad play the guitar.
  40. The Tetons.
  41. A clean truck.
  42. That moment when he says, "It's not cancer."
  43. First tracks on your mountain.
  44. Your daughter's letters to her dad.
  45. A new high score on a video game (Thank you, Jayson, for contributing to this post).
  46. The determination of an athlete.
  47. Jayson's feet.....with socks on.
  48. Having a teammate for life.
  49. That moment of relief when you admit something that you've kept hidden.
  50. YOU.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Timeout on the Alphabet.....I actually have something to write!

Dear Jayson,

While you are home……..

I will not count
the number of days until you leave me again.
Instead, I will count
the number of days that I’ve spent with you.

I will touch you.

I will smell you.

I will wait for your kiss on my cheek every single morning.

I will lay in bed
(awake, of course)
and smile while you snore beside me.

I will hug you and lay my cheek on your shoulder
so that every part of me can be connected to you.

I will stare at you when you’re not looking.

I will stare at you when you are looking.

I will remember every moment while you’re here on the same continent as me.

I will bare my soul to you
and tell you things that I’ve kept inside for 7 months.

I will watch you while you sleep.

I will eat Dairy Queen Blizzards with you
and know that the calories don’t count because you are HOME.

I will go for a run with you.
(Ok….Ok….I will watch you run in front of me……waaaaaay up there in front of me.)

I will cry for no apparent reason
and tell you that I am FINE.

I will have no excuses for you as to why the Gameroom looks the way it does.
(Hello! I had time to write about what a mess it was…..I could have just cleaned it instead!)

I will hold in my mind’s eye that
when the kids see you for the first time

I will not waste our precious time together by arguing….
unless, of course, I am right and you are wrong.

I will be mesmerized by the footprints you leave in the carpet on your side of the bed
since there have been none for 7 months.
(Vacuum lines used to make me happy. Now they make me sad.)

I will let you be in charge…..
of the house, of the kids, of the dog, of ME…..
because I am finally tired of being Boss of the World.

I will lie to family and friends
when I tell them that we can’t
because we have PLANS……
PLANS that involve nothing but the above.

I will not focus on work – I will focus on you.

I will carry my head high when we leave the house
and wear you on my arm with pride.

I will admit to you that I ignored the hot tub for 7 months
(AKA: left it running, yet only added chemicals ONE TIME),
which resulted in me buying 2 new filters
and paying someone to come clean it……
just so that it would look like I took wonderful care of it.

I will give you my best “sex-eyes”
(Come on! Every girl does that.)
and ask you to help me with small house projects
that I didn’t dare trust myself to do alone.

I will remove the label from my forehead...
the one that says FUCK OFF,
and I will smile more.

I will require that you get a pedicure STAT.

I will tell you about my Vegas Marathon and my Phoenix Marathon
and how much I missed you during those incredible moments.

I will make you tell your son that he is not allowed to hate his sister’s boyfriend…..
just because it’s his sister’s boyfriend.

I will (I’m sure) have to remind you repeatedly
that we are not your soldiers.

I will, very reluctantly, tell you that these last few months
(not the whole 7 months….just the last 2)
have been HARD.
Really, really HARD.
I thought I was stronger than this.

I will ask you if I can get a duck.

I will bob my head up and down and mumble, “Mmmmmmmm”
each time you tell me about a truck / motorcycle / boat
that you’ve found to buy.
Then I will walk away.

I will drink coffee with you in the mornings
while you mess up my newspaper that I’ve organized into piles.

I will smile every time I find a piece of your clothing....
on the floor….in the kitchen….in the hallway…..on the ceiling fan....on the back patio.

I will ask you to help me convince the kids
to spend TWO weeks at YMCA Camp this year, instead of just one.
We would call that “My Vacation”.
(Let’s see if DOG can go with them, too.)

I will listen to your stories of life in Iraq and cry
because there will be so much that I didn’t know about.

I will NOT be in the room when you discover
that 2 months worth of your clean laundry
is in a 4-foot pile in the closet.

I will
enjoy having to clean your sink again.

I will take too many pictures.

I won't take enough pictures.

I will tell you about the 50+ trees and shrubs I’ve ordered,
ask for your ideas on where to plant them,
and then notice your smug

I will make you take the kids to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid
before I kill them both for asking 12 times a day.

I will then make you go buy them soccer cleats
before I kill them both for asking 12 times a day.

I will sit with you for 5 hours while you get new ink…..
and then will want to get more for ME.

I will let you touch me as often as you want.

I will enjoy talking to you
without having to
turn on my computer,
start-up Skype,
and HOPE you’re online at the same time.

I will ask you to wear your Superman underwear.

I will take full advantage of not having to be a NUN for 2 whole weeks.

I will cherish the fact that we can plan our tomorrow TOGETHER.

I will look at you with my “sex-eyes” again
and beg you to make me/let me keep-up my daily running while you’re here.

I will go snowboarding with you.

I will ask you to take a bubble bath with me.

I will continue to send you naughty pictures,
even though you’ll be HERE.
(Sorry….some habits are hard to break.  I can't imagine you'll argue.)

I will ask you to explain to me
(for the bazillionth time)
where our guns are at and how to use them.

I will watch you play like a kid…
with the kids.

I will take you to my gym
and use you as my own personal trainer
and beg you to teach me how to use the weight machines
(because I’m too much of a chicken-shit to figure them out on my own).

I will tell you about things that I was secretly working on while you were gone,
but only because I wasn’t able to actually make them happen.

I will ask you if you know what true loneliness feels like.

I will challenge you to get your son to pick-up dog poop.

I will challenge you to get your daughter to clean her room.

I will tell you what races I’ve signed you up for…..
and what races I’m going to sign you up for.

I will walk away
when you try to argue with me
about having signed you up for races.

I will apologize upfront
for all of the baked goods that your daughter will make….
and force you to eat.

I will not be sad when you leave to go back to the sand.
Instead, I will be happy because
it’s the last time you'll be leaving.

I will not count
the number of days
until you leave me again.
Instead, I will count
the number of days
that I’ve spent with you.

HAPPY TRAKS, Jayson.  I love you.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

A is for Awkward

awk-ward  (awk-wurd)  adjective
(as defined by Scholastic Children's Dictionary....sorry, that's all I've got)

  1. Difficult or Embarrassing  (Example:  "In an awkward moment, I forgot my teacher's name while introducing him to my parents.")

awk-ward  (awk-wurd)  adjective
(as defined by ME)

  1. That moment when your dad finds out - from a friend's mom - that you got married last night.  (Example:  Friend's Mom, "Congrats, Tom!"  Dad, "Congrats?  For what??"  Friend's Mom, "Uhhhhhhhhhhh....Emily....getting.....married.....????")
  2. That moment when your son taps you on the shoulder...while you're in bed...with your husband positioned horizontally above you.
  3. That moment when you're sitting in class at NMSU and your neighbor, after seeing your last name, leans over and says:  "Ooooooh, Geisler!  Jayson, right?  I went to highschool with him.  We, you know.... hooked up [wink wink] A LOT!  He is so freaking awesome.  I'd love to hook-up with him again [wink wink].  You're, what......?  His sister?"  {Note:  Jayson doesn't have a sister.}
  4. That moment when your 11-year old daughter tells you what the 13-year old neighbor boy said.  (Example:  13-year old Neighbor Boy, "Sydni doesn't even have any boobies.  But......Sydni's mom is friggin' HOT!  She's all tanned-up and has BIG boobies.")
  5. That moment when you ask your client how many kids he has, and he says, "Nine....if you count the miscarriages."
  6. That moment when, in the middle of their closing, your client (a doctor) asks you who your family doctor is.  You say you don't exactly have one.  And, he says, "Oh no!  So you don't get yearly exams??  Do you know how important it is for you to get regular PAP Smears???  Come see me."
  7. That moment when you and your husband actually go for SPONTANEOUS and decide to have a "talk" in the the same moment when your kid comes upstairs for a glass of water.
  8. That moment when the preschool director pulls you aside and asks that you have a talk with your 4-year old son about practicing law enforcement takedown techniques on his preschool teachers.  (Example:  "Jaycob has been putting his teachers on the floor.  He does this thing where he grabs their wrist and their thumb....and twists."
  9. That moment when your husband shows his buddy a picture on his phone, only to realize it was probably the WRONG picture based on the fact that his buddy's eyes are the size of dinner plates.  {Note:  It's a good idea to keep naughty pictures of your wife in a separate folder in your phone.}
  10. That moment when you come back to work....high on pain meds....thinking you are hiding the two new additions on your chest....and your customer says, "Heeeeey......did you have a medical procedure done last week [big grin]?"
  11. That moment when your husband tells his mother that his "roommate" for the last 2 months is actually his WIFE.
  12. That moment when you're leaving for Boot Camp and your dad says, "Emily, I'm not dumb.  I know you've been smoking more than cigarettes.  Are you ready?  Here are some cranberry pills and some juice.  Good luck."
  13. That moment when you find yourself using a Baskin Robbins sample spoon to scoop your husbands poop from a plastic cup into a little, plastic vial for him to take to the doctor to test for poisoning.
  14. That moment when you notice something behind the toilet and discover that it's the little, plastic vial of your husband's poop that YOU scooped with a Baskin Robbins sample spoon for HIM to take to the doctor......which he didn't.
  15. That moment when you've just admitted to your loyal readers that you played with your husband's poop using a Baskin Robbins sample spoon.


Saturday, March 26, 2011


After that last post of mine, wherein my gameroom looked like a tidal wave of holiday decorations, some of you may be worried that my house might have eaten me.

No worries.  I'm still here.  (And so is the mess in the gameroom.)

I've just been distracted.  Not sure if that is the right word, fits for now.  Remember, back in August/September, when I referred to my "brain" as being a "car" that couldn't stay in it's lane?  And I talked about driving erratically - even over the speedbumps?  And I was constantly veering off the road and rolling down into a ravine????  (I sound crazy, don't I?)  Well, THAT is back (whatever THAT is....).  But, this time, it brought a friend.


I thought we'd met before, but I was wrong.  I had no idea what Loneliness was like....until now. 

I don't care for her one bit.  We are NOT getting along.  Loneliness is a bitch, and I have (not so) kindly asked her to leave.  She doesn't listen very well, though.  So now I am stuck with Loneliness and THAT (whatever THAT is) until I figure out a plan to get them to leave me alone. 

In the meantime, I'm gonna try writing.  Remember.......?  I’m the one who made a commitment to write on a regular basis…..the one who LOVES to write……the one who decided that this year-long deployment would be easier for me if I used writing as an “outlet” (rather than drugs and sex - since the good drugs are illegal and sex, well…..that would be illegal, too).

I'm pretty sure it's THAT and Loneliness which have prevented me from publishing a single thing since January. But, since my demons have kept me so distracted, I can't focus long enough to come up with anything important enough to write about.  So this is what I'm going to do:

I'm going to write my ABC's.  (Maybe going back to the basics is exactly what I need.)  Starting with A and ending with Z (for those of you who aren't familiar with the alphabet, A and Z are the 1st and last letters), I am going to pick one word to write about.  Does that make sense?  It did make sense to me, until I started trying to explain it to you.  Now, it just sounds like I'm crazy.  Whatever.  I'll just show you........later. 

Right now I need to go run.  But, later, I'll show you what I mean when I start with:

A is for Awkward


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Adventures in House Cleaning

Nobody (in their right mind) likes to clean the house. 

Nobody wakes up and says, "Boy oh BOY!!  I cannot WAIT to don my rubber gloves and get to work on the goopy yellow pee splatters left on the toilet bowl.  And, how lucky am be able to spend 30 minutes of my life scraping the blue / red / pink / white / green toothpaste off of the bathroom faucet??!!  My friends will be sooooo jealous when I tell them about the hour I spent scrubbing and sanitizing the kitchen trashcan!!" 

No.  We wake up and say, "Hmmmm, what can I come up with that needs to be done TODAY?  It will need to be important enough to get me out of cleaning......" 
And then we go shopping. 
For shit we don't need.

Sometimes, though, your House will trick you into thinking that a quick little pick-up of the living areas won't be so bad. 

House isn't even really dirty.  House is just a little messy and only needs a few minutes of your (precious) time to be put back together.  Quite often, House has accomplices in making you think that the task will be a breeze.  The accomplices are your children.......who think you're lacking enough brain cells to not notice the 7 toilet paper rolls on the floor next to the bathroom trashcan, or the blue paint accidentally spilled in 4 different places on the upstairs carpet, or the 3 cereal bowls stashed under the couch, or the 8 stickers and piece of gum left in the pocket of a pair of jeans that just spent 45 minutes in the dryer. 

Whether it truly is a lack of brain cells....or your immunity / ignorance to bullshit.....or the talent I possess and like to call Pretend-It's-Not-There-And-It-Doesn't-Exist.....You don't notice any of the above until it's too late and you are already knee-deep in the shithole that is your Lovely House.

All of a sudden, a "quick pick-up" has turned into an all day Olympic Event, complete with prizes at the end - like the 20 dollar bill you discover at the bottom of the shoe basket.  (This would be the same 20 dollar bill that you accused your kids of stealing from you 3 weeks ago.)

What I found in the first 20 minutes of my January 8th Quick Pick-Up Olympic Event:

-  Baggie with Water & Goo

I don't have the slightest clue what this is.  And, no, I didn't ask the kids because I don't really care.  All I know is that it does not belong on the kitchen counter next to the loaf of bread.

-  Science Experiment Dishes

I know I've mentioned these before.  Funny how they keep coming up...over and over and over again.  Do you have any idea what kind of patience it takes to clean salt and food coloring from a cereal bowl??!!  No?  Well, neither do I.  I throw them away.  That's why we have a lot of unmatched bowls.  I don't have the patience to clean them.

-  Candle Jar with I-Don't-Even-Want-to-Know On It

Again, I didn't ask.  In this instance, however, it's not that I don't care... so much as I really don't want to know what it is.

- 25 Pieces of What Used to be 2 Dog Toys

Because I try to be NICE to Houdini Dog, I buy toys for it.  (Ok, FINE.  Watching her hit herself in the face with a toy that she flings back and forth like a wild animal trying to kill its prey is FUN.)  And, because I wouldn't want her to choke and DIE, I bought her "stuffing-free" toys for Christmas.  (Yes, these are the same ones on the Infomercial that I know YOU watch.  However, I bought these at the store.)  And, contrary to the company's slogan of "Stuffing Free Which Means Less Mess", these toys are like live fucking rabbits and will actually have 23 babies on your living room floor. 
Yes, the DOG is partly to blame for this (no, she did not have sex with her toy raccoon).  But, come on!  When advertising "stuffing-free", you might want to also mention "dog-will-bite-off-11-pieces-of-this-ONE-toy-and-not-let-you-throw-away-ANY-of-it.....which-means-your-living-room-floor-will-forever-be-littered-with-squirrel-and-raccoon-body-parts......but-at-least-it-will-be-STUFFING-FREE!"

-  12 Dirty Spoons in the Sink

Zero dirty forks. 
Zero dirty knives.
TWELVE dirty spoons.
How does that even happen????
Well, it's possible that the kids and I have eaten mostly cereal and Dairy Queen Blizzards since Jayson left back in September.  And that could possibly be to blame for the TWELVE dirty spoons.

-  Our Christmas Ham

In an effort to wean the kids and I off of cereal and Dairy Queen Blizzards, I spent Christmas Day laboring in the kitchen (AKA:  taking the plastic wrap off of the pre-baked ham and putting it in the oven) so that we could enjoy a nice honey-baked ham over the Christmas weekend.  Unfortunately, by the time the ham was done, we were too full from cereal and leftover Dairy Queen to even touch the ham.  I found it at the back of the fridge two weeks later....right next to the leftover sausage dip that I made for Thanksgiving. 

-  A Brand New Box of Captain Crunch Cereal

I'm not a huge fan of sugary cereals.  However, there is something almost hypnotic about Captain CrunchBerry Cereal, and I can't resist it (especially when I'm knee-deep in the shithole that is my Lovely House and I would use just about ANY excuse to get out of finishing what I've unknowingly started).  Maybe it's the way that the very hard, very square edges of the cereal cut the roof of my mouth.  Or, maybe, it's the filmy sugar fuzz that coats my teeth when I'm done.  Whatever it is that draws me to that Little Captain Dude....I'm ok with it because it got me out of cleaning for the time it took me to sit down and inhale two whole bowls of it.

-  Enough Laundry to Mimic a Photo of the Teton Mountain Range

Just the night before, I had asked Thing One and Thing Two to bring up their dirty clothes.  They each brought up enough laundry to fill both bins in the laundry room.  Good work, Soldiers. 
Uh, no.
While competing for 1st place in today's Olympic Event, I made the mistake of going downstairs to their "rooms"...otherwise known as:  a place to keep everything you've owned since you were two years-old, to include bowls, water bottles, shoes-that-don't-fit, the other glove that your mother has been looking for, sheets that aren't actually ON your bed, last year's Easter basket (complete with candy), and the REST of your dirty laundry.

-  Neosporin

On a positive note, I found the Neosporin that I had been looking for since the night before.  (THAT was when Jaycob took a quarter to the forehead and wound-up with stitches.)  Apparently, after nursing my StairClimber-O-Death shin injuries, I didn't put the goop back where I found it.
On a not-so-positive note, I made the mistake of looking at the expiration date and now have to go to the store and buy a new tube of Neosporin.
Our tube of Neosporin expired in June...

...of 2004.

-  A Storage Room That Didn't Feel Well and Threw-Up in My Basement

Or, possibly, it wasn't the Storage Room's fault.  Possibly, it was due to the fact that Thing One and Thing Two refuse to follow simple instructions and put the stuff IN the Storage Room...... instead of NEAR the Storage Room.
Needless to say, this latest find prevented me from putting away the Christmas decorations and taking down the 5 Christmas trees that are scattered throughout my Lovely House. 
At least I can say I'm getting a headstart on Christmas for THIS YEAR.  Can you??

Plus, thanks to the Downstairs Obstacle Course, I came to the conclusion that keeping a clean, well-organized house is completely beyond my control and I will probably feel more accomplished if I just go eat some more Captain Crunch, instead.


Monday, January 10, 2011

Moments that Colored Our Lives in 2010

While not every memorable moment from 2010 could be caught on camera,
there were so many that were. 
The following photos represent some of the moments
that have added color to our lives over the last year.
 (Or "flag" as inappropriate....whichever fits.)

March 2010
Jayson and I ran the coldest race of our lives. 
It was a sweltering 20 degrees at the start.

May 2010
Jayson ran his first Full Marathon with me in Ogden.
He wasn't happy with me about it before the race.
And he certainly wasn't happy with me about it after the race.
He swore to never run a Full again.
But, he's not the Boss of the World.
I am.

June 2010
After passing countless inspections, Jayson wins the US Supply Excellence Award
and heads to the East Coast to receive his award.
This was, by far, the most monumental moment in his Army career so far.

Command emphasis from the leadership was apparent; B Battery Supply had numerous systems in place to master property accountability. The S4 Officer conducted numerous staff assistance visits throughout the year to ensure compliance with supply policies. B Batterr was the only unit evaluated that included functions from PBUSE in their inspections. The NCO (SSG Jayson R. Geisler) in charge of this supply room motto is “do not spend money that is allotted to your unit as if it is yours; spend it as if it belongs to every Soldier within the unit equally.” The climate in this unit reflected his motto as the unit accountability of supplies resulted in no loss of accountability. This supply room scored 97 percent out of 100 on their evaluation.

After spending $700 on a new uniform, flying to the other side of the country,
and getting ready for the most monumental moment in his Army career...
Jayson finally discovers why he couldn't get his awards to line up the way they did on his old uniform.
And, no, he didn't have another badge.
So, SSG GEISER had to accept SSG GEISLER'S award.


July 2010
Rather than help this poor man out of the Vegas slot machine that he was stuck in,
we stood there, laughed, and took pictures.

July 2010
An annual tradition at our house....
A few hundred feet of plastic sheeting,
multiple bottles of dish soap,
enough water to cure a drought,
and well-hydrated men boys on innertubes.
(See Blog Post dated August 1, 2010)

August 2010
I spent an entire day at the waterpark analyzing people.
One man's obsession with Speedos,
this woman's quest for Au Natural,
and a guy with the longest set of nipples I have ever seen.
(See Blog Post dated August 4, 2010) 

August 2010
I became a hairdresser.
I cut Jaycob's hair with a pair of kitchen meat scissors...
that I had used just a few days earlier to trim the hair on Houdini Dog's neck
so that the little prongs of death could shock the shit out of her
and maybe, just maybe, keep her ass in the yard. (It didn't work.)
(See Blog Post dated September 1, 2010)


September 2010
While at their last round of pre-mobilization training in Boise,
Jayson and 2,699 other soldiers were presented with handmade wool beanies.
Just to make myself clear:
ONE women made 2,700 wool beanies for our Idaho soldiers.
EACH of these 2,700 wool beanies had the above handwritten note pinned to them.

This note sits on our kitchen counter
as a constant reminder to me
of what true heart really is.
September 2010
On September 21st, 2010 we watched
as Jayson packed a years worth of his things into several duffel bags
 (he tried to put me in one of the bags, but I complained about the smell)
 and prepared to leave Idaho for his
year-long deployment to Iraq.


September 2010
After 2 full hours of NOT crying in public,
Jayson and I were asked to appear on camera for several local news channels.
I agreed - on one condition.....I would NOT remove my sunglasses.
The reporters accepted my terms,
and, within minutes, I was the
"emotional-crying-spouse" clip that was played over and over again
on every local news channel for a week.
Thank goodness I did my hair, wore a bra, and decided on running shoes instead of slippers.
Oh, and I didn't drop the F bomb once!!!

September 2010
After spending 3 hours hauling their dad's gear around like little Sherpas,
watching their mom cry in public,
and eating 5 donuts apiece....
Reality set in for Jaycob and Sydni.
It was time for Jayson to leave us.
We watched thru the fence as all of our soldiers headed towards the plane.
We watched as each soldier shook the hands of their Commanders,
with some giving that look that said, "Will I be back?"
And then, between sobs, Sydni told me that we couldn't leave until the plane was in the sky.
And she told me other things, too.
 Like, "Mom, I've never seen dad cry before." That one shattered what was left of my heart.
And she proceeded to give a barely coherent, very tearful play-by-play of what was happening in front of us.
"Oh, no, MOM! They're taking the stairs away from the plane!"
"Mom, the plane is moving. The plane is MOVING!!
 I don't want the plane to move. Isn't there something we can do???"

And that was when Jaycob put his arm around Sydni and kissed her on the forehead.


     September 2010
      And then he was gone.
            (See Blog Post dated September 21, 2010)


October 2010
This is Veeny.
(The plant - not the fly with his eyeball oozing out of his head.)
Veeny is a finicky eater,
and we have been trying like crazy to keep him happy for the last 3 months.
He has a tendency to spit things out and make his limbs turn black. (Maybe out of protest?)
I'm beginning to wonder if, maybe, he prefers little children instead of little bugs.
(See Blog Post dated October 11, 2010)

October 2010
This is Jaycob.
Jaycob got grounded from TV (for like the zillionth time).
And, since Jaycob refuses to eat his popcorn (he has an addiction)
without his pillow and blanket,
this is where I found him.
October 2010
After Jayson left in September,
I sold his truck.
He went out and got a new one.
October 2010
Jaycob harassed me for weeks
about showing me a science experiment.
Unfortunately, when it comes to science experiments at our house,
the end result is usually ME cleaning up the mess
just before I head to the store to restock the kitchen supplies
that have been depleted by my Special Little Scientists
(salt, sugar, food coloring, milk, oil, toothpicks, cereal name it).
This one, however, was different.
It was cool!
Directions (from Scientist Jaycob):
-  Put in 4 colors.
-  Wait, wait....First put some milk in a bowl.
-  THEN put in 4 colors...that dye stuff.  Put the drops in different spots.
-  Pour in some Dawn dishsoap.  Not dishsoap.  DAWN dishsoap.  Duh.

November 2010
After being gone for a month and a half,
and me pleading for a picture,
I finally got to see my husband....
in his typical "Geisler Pose".
November 2010
We surprised our kids....
with a trip to Mississippi.
(Wa-hoo!!!  Every kids' dream vacation.  I know, right??!!)
After such a difficult goodbye back in September,
neither Jayson nor I was sure that we wanted to go thru it again.
But, after much discussion, we came to this conclusion:
If you are given one more opportunity
to spend time with the person you love the most,
what is there to discuss??
So, under the ruse of taking a mom/son/daughter family vacation,
the kids and I boarded a plane in Salt Lake City,
took a pit stop in Dallas,
and touched-down in Gulfport, Mississippi.
With a story about Lost-Luggage-Won't-Be-Found-'til-Morning-Have-to-Get-a-Room-Here-For-the-Night...
I left the kids at the hotel
and promptly went "shopping" for replacement clothes.
Since the "lost luggage" of the story was actually true,
I was torn about what to do.
Do I go pick up my husband from Camp Shelby?
Or do I go buy some new Buckle jeans???
I went and picked up Jayson.
All of the stress in planning, the cost of booking, and the lies I told my children (ok, that part was fun),
all resulted in one of the coolest moments ever for our family.
I would do it again in heartbeat.
November 2010
Jaycob ate Kermit...
and then spit him out.
(You don't have to thank me for posting the "before" pic, rather than the "after"....)

November 2010
We visited a Gator Farm
a took a wild ride on an airboat.
What a rush!
I am totally getting an airboat and surprising Jayson with it when he gets home.
(He's gonna need a vehicle, anyway.  And there's no way he'd turn down a fanboat.)
November 2010
Jayson and I run.
But, we don't run together...
...until Mississippi.
And that is where Jayson ran with me.
He ran with me over the Atlantic Ocean
from Biloxi to Ocean Springs.
It was breathtaking (no pun intended)...
the scenery...
and the moment.
November 2010
Of course we left our room keys in our room when we checked out of the hotel.
Why would you think anything different??
November 2010
My new Winter Husband.
(The SnowBlower.  Not the thumb in the corner.  Don't be gross.)
Enough said.
November 2010
Red and Blue M&M's are poison.
Just like Orange Sixlets, Red and Blue M&M's taste different than their friends.
My dad has backed me up on this for as long as I can remember.
And then, while eating M&M's  for lunch at the mountain - just the other day
(Don't worry...we are healthier than that!  We had Loaded Nachos first.),
my dad discovered something....
They really DO taste different.
Yes, you read that right - he just barely discovered that.
In other words, the man has been backing me up for all these years
just because it was fun.
Thanks, Dad. 
I think??
December 2010
After much planning and a wonderful Tutu-Maker named Stacy,
I was able to run the Las Vegas Rock 'n' Roll Marathon in style.
The 1st half of the course was amazing!
We ran the Strip with NO TRAFFIC.....just 27,000 runners,
a gazillion discarded water cups, and a run-thru wedding ceremony.
The 2nd half, well....
My "good" knee became my "bad" knee somewhere around Mile14,
and the big toe on my left foot quadrupled in size, pooled with blood,
and turned me into a surgeon a week later
when I performed my own Toe Operation.
Wanna know what kept me going????
My Tutu and my Shirt.
My Tutu - made from pieces of Jayson's uniform
and my Shirt - emblazoned with a GEISLER ribbon.
It was like having Jayson there with me.
Everytime a piece of velcro from his uniform would catch on my
running panties and tug at my crotch...
It was like having Jayson there with me.

December 2010
I learned how to Pole Dance Fall.
Let's be honest....
Pole Dancing is HARD.
And, to learn how to do it on the same day you run a Full Marathon
is not possible
(don't judge me until you try it).
However, it is all ARMS.
Why were my arms tired from running?
Oh, I know.
Probably from pulling Jayson's uniform velcro out of my crotch.
December 2010
Thanks to Jayson's Vacation-in-the-Sand,
we discovered the Wonderful World of Skype.
If you haven't used Skype...
Do it.
But make sure you have a sign-up list.
Otherwise, people DOG will cut in line.
December 2010
Christmas was a bit different at our house in 2010.
Not bad.
Not sad.
Not disappointing.
Just different.
Jayson spent the entire morning with us,
sitting on the footrest.
And, when the presents were all opened,
and the kids were zoned-out with their new toys,
guess who got the better deal....
Jayson did.
No clean up.
No please-can-you-put-this-impossible-to-put-together-toy-together.
And, no Christmas decor take-down duty.
The best moment of 2010?

Every moment spent with Jayson.

He's my hero, my friend, and the reason I wake up every morning.

HE is what colors my life.