Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Adventures in House Cleaning

Nobody (in their right mind) likes to clean the house. 

Nobody wakes up and says, "Boy oh BOY!!  I cannot WAIT to don my rubber gloves and get to work on the goopy yellow pee splatters left on the toilet bowl.  And, how lucky am I....to be able to spend 30 minutes of my life scraping the blue / red / pink / white / green toothpaste off of the bathroom faucet??!!  My friends will be sooooo jealous when I tell them about the hour I spent scrubbing and sanitizing the kitchen trashcan!!" 

No.  We wake up and say, "Hmmmm, what can I come up with that needs to be done TODAY?  It will need to be important enough to get me out of cleaning......" 
And then we go shopping. 
For shit we don't need.

Sometimes, though, your House will trick you into thinking that a quick little pick-up of the living areas won't be so bad. 

House isn't even really dirty.  House is just a little messy and only needs a few minutes of your (precious) time to be put back together.  Quite often, House has accomplices in making you think that the task will be a breeze.  The accomplices are your children.......who think you're lacking enough brain cells to not notice the 7 toilet paper rolls on the floor next to the bathroom trashcan, or the blue paint accidentally spilled in 4 different places on the upstairs carpet, or the 3 cereal bowls stashed under the couch, or the 8 stickers and piece of gum left in the pocket of a pair of jeans that just spent 45 minutes in the dryer. 

Whether it truly is a lack of brain cells....or your immunity / ignorance to bullshit.....or the talent I possess and like to call Pretend-It's-Not-There-And-It-Doesn't-Exist.....You don't notice any of the above until it's too late and you are already knee-deep in the shithole that is your Lovely House.

All of a sudden, a "quick pick-up" has turned into an all day Olympic Event, complete with prizes at the end - like the 20 dollar bill you discover at the bottom of the shoe basket.  (This would be the same 20 dollar bill that you accused your kids of stealing from you 3 weeks ago.)

What I found in the first 20 minutes of my January 8th Quick Pick-Up Olympic Event:

-  Baggie with Water & Goo

I don't have the slightest clue what this is.  And, no, I didn't ask the kids because I don't really care.  All I know is that it does not belong on the kitchen counter next to the loaf of bread.

-  Science Experiment Dishes

I know I've mentioned these before.  Funny how they keep coming up...over and over and over again.  Do you have any idea what kind of patience it takes to clean salt and food coloring from a cereal bowl??!!  No?  Well, neither do I.  I throw them away.  That's why we have a lot of unmatched bowls.  I don't have the patience to clean them.

-  Candle Jar with I-Don't-Even-Want-to-Know On It

Again, I didn't ask.  In this instance, however, it's not that I don't care... so much as I really don't want to know what it is.

- 25 Pieces of What Used to be 2 Dog Toys

Because I try to be NICE to Houdini Dog, I buy toys for it.  (Ok, FINE.  Watching her hit herself in the face with a toy that she flings back and forth like a wild animal trying to kill its prey is FUN.)  And, because I wouldn't want her to choke and DIE, I bought her "stuffing-free" toys for Christmas.  (Yes, these are the same ones on the Infomercial that I know YOU watch.  However, I bought these at the store.)  And, contrary to the company's slogan of "Stuffing Free Which Means Less Mess", these toys are like live fucking rabbits and will actually have 23 babies on your living room floor. 
Yes, the DOG is partly to blame for this (no, she did not have sex with her toy raccoon).  But, come on!  When advertising "stuffing-free", you might want to also mention "dog-will-bite-off-11-pieces-of-this-ONE-toy-and-not-let-you-throw-away-ANY-of-it.....which-means-your-living-room-floor-will-forever-be-littered-with-squirrel-and-raccoon-body-parts......but-at-least-it-will-be-STUFFING-FREE!"

-  12 Dirty Spoons in the Sink

Zero dirty forks. 
Zero dirty knives.
TWELVE dirty spoons.
How does that even happen????
Well, it's possible that the kids and I have eaten mostly cereal and Dairy Queen Blizzards since Jayson left back in September.  And that could possibly be to blame for the TWELVE dirty spoons.

-  Our Christmas Ham

In an effort to wean the kids and I off of cereal and Dairy Queen Blizzards, I spent Christmas Day laboring in the kitchen (AKA:  taking the plastic wrap off of the pre-baked ham and putting it in the oven) so that we could enjoy a nice honey-baked ham over the Christmas weekend.  Unfortunately, by the time the ham was done, we were too full from cereal and leftover Dairy Queen to even touch the ham.  I found it at the back of the fridge two weeks later....right next to the leftover sausage dip that I made for Thanksgiving. 

-  A Brand New Box of Captain Crunch Cereal

I'm not a huge fan of sugary cereals.  However, there is something almost hypnotic about Captain CrunchBerry Cereal, and I can't resist it (especially when I'm knee-deep in the shithole that is my Lovely House and I would use just about ANY excuse to get out of finishing what I've unknowingly started).  Maybe it's the way that the very hard, very square edges of the cereal cut the roof of my mouth.  Or, maybe, it's the filmy sugar fuzz that coats my teeth when I'm done.  Whatever it is that draws me to that Little Captain Dude....I'm ok with it because it got me out of cleaning for the time it took me to sit down and inhale two whole bowls of it.

-  Enough Laundry to Mimic a Photo of the Teton Mountain Range

Just the night before, I had asked Thing One and Thing Two to bring up their dirty clothes.  They each brought up enough laundry to fill both bins in the laundry room.  Good work, Soldiers. 
Uh, no.
While competing for 1st place in today's Olympic Event, I made the mistake of going downstairs to their "rooms"...otherwise known as:  a place to keep everything you've owned since you were two years-old, to include bowls, water bottles, shoes-that-don't-fit, the other glove that your mother has been looking for, sheets that aren't actually ON your bed, last year's Easter basket (complete with candy), and the REST of your dirty laundry.

-  Neosporin

On a positive note, I found the Neosporin that I had been looking for since the night before.  (THAT was when Jaycob took a quarter to the forehead and wound-up with stitches.)  Apparently, after nursing my StairClimber-O-Death shin injuries, I didn't put the goop back where I found it.
On a not-so-positive note, I made the mistake of looking at the expiration date and now have to go to the store and buy a new tube of Neosporin.
Our tube of Neosporin expired in June...

...of 2004.

-  A Storage Room That Didn't Feel Well and Threw-Up in My Basement

Or, possibly, it wasn't the Storage Room's fault.  Possibly, it was due to the fact that Thing One and Thing Two refuse to follow simple instructions and put the stuff IN the Storage Room...... instead of NEAR the Storage Room.
Needless to say, this latest find prevented me from putting away the Christmas decorations and taking down the 5 Christmas trees that are scattered throughout my Lovely House. 
At least I can say I'm getting a headstart on Christmas for THIS YEAR.  Can you??

Plus, thanks to the Downstairs Obstacle Course, I came to the conclusion that keeping a clean, well-organized house is completely beyond my control and I will probably feel more accomplished if I just go eat some more Captain Crunch, instead.



  1. Emily, you have the best blog on the planet!!!! It makes me laugh until my teeth hurt :0)

  2. Thank you, Ashley. Sometimes, it really is hard to admit that all of this stuff is actually true. I'd probably be safer if I said it was all about a "friend". But....then I wouldn't be following thru with my goal of being honest in my writing, huh?
    So....CHEERS to honesty! :-)