Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Few Gentle Reminders

Dear Jayson (or YOU, if the cap fits...),

The following list is designed to help you remember the Rules of the Real World during the next year.  Just like children, us adults have a tendency to conveniently forget the rules when we are away from the ones we love.  But, with this handy-dandy list, you shouldn't have any problems. 

If you need me to print the list and send you a laminated, wallet-sized  hard copy, please let me know.  (Now that its complete, I realize that the list is way too long to fit in your wallet.)


  1. Grocery shopping at the Gas Station is not practical.  If you need groceries, go to the Grocery Store.
  2. The shoe basket in the entryway is not a hamper for your dirty clothes.
  3. The clothes that you throw into the shoe basket in the entryway are now DIRTY.  No, you cannot tell me that they are clean and you are planning on wearing them later.
  4. Info-mercials (I have nooooo idea how that is supposed to be spelled, and neither does SpellChecker.) are not television shows, and no, your wife does not want to watch them with you.
  5. The holes in the crotch of your jeans are not from working hard. 
  6. Robin Meade on CNN Headline News is married and does not know that you even exist.
  7. A mixing bowl is for baking - not for your cereal.
  8. There is a towel hanging right next to your sink in the bathroom.  When you flood the counter while shaving....USE THE TOWEL.
  9. When adding milk to your Cream of Wheat, pour it from a glass.  Taking a drink from your glass and then spitting the milk into your bowl is not appropriate.
  10. When in public places, put your cell phone on silent.  Ringtones from "The Hangover", "Old School", "Full Metal Jacket", and "Talladega Nights" aren't exactly good for the library, the checkout stand, or your kids' Back-to-School night.
  11. When your wife says, "I'm tired.  I'm going to bed."........Do not assume that is code for something else.  She really is tired and is planning on going to sleep.
  12. If you want to test out your new AirSoft Gun, please do so on an inanimate object....NOT on your daughter's thigh.
  13. Those ads that pop up on your computer (that the kids know not to click on) are a scam.  It is not possible to get a LIFETIME SUPPLY of anything for free.  Your bank account will be charged,   and you will never see the money again.
  14. The only reason that your Honey-Do List gets longer is because you didn't do it in the first place.
  15. Mooning people is not acceptable for grown-ups.  Nobody wants to see your bare ass.
  16. When you feel the urge to go running while drinking, that's usually a sign that you've had too much to drink.  You should probably go get some water.
  17. In the case of using gasoline to light a fire, less is more.  Melted eyelashes that stick together when you blink are not cool.
  18. If you have a mole that you think should be removed, DO NOT USE a can of Air Duster to freeze it off.
  19. Partially nude pictures of random strangers is not a good screensaver for your laptop that sits on the dining room table.  When your kids walk by and say, "DAD!!!!!!!", that's usually a good indicator that the material is inappropriate for small humans.
  20. You and liquor do not get along.  Stick to beer.
  21. No matter what anyone tells you, a mustache does not look good on you.  You look old and grumpy.  Shave it off NOW.
  22. Just because your Washer says "high capacity" on the front does not mean that you can wash 5 loads of laundry at one time.
  23. Your wife may have an addiction to buying flip-flops, but YOU have an addiction to buying boots.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know which ones cost more.  Stop buying boots.  You are good.  You don't need anymore.  (And don't con your mom into buying more for you, either.)
  24. When your underwear get holes in them, you should throw them away.
  25. Before you buy a $700 uniform, please verify that you NEED it.
  26. Nobody wants to smell your dirty socks.  In other words, when you take them off, do not throw them at somebody's face.
  27. Sitting down to pee will not kill you.  Trust me.  I do it everyday, and I haven't died yet.
  28. When you go to Sam's Club with a LIST of things to buy......USE THE LIST.  We do not need a 10 pound bag of suckers or another flat screen TV.
  29. When your wife is in the bathroom, naked, and getting ready to go somewhere, do not take that as in "invitation".  It's not one.
  30. Do not sing out loud.
  31. When your wife thinks it might be a good idea to buy 300 flower bulbs, tell her NO, take her hand, and lead her away from the flower bulbs.  She does not have the time nor the patience to plant 300 more flower bulbs.
  32. When you are driving and you notice your passengers clutching the door handles, you either need to slow down, brake sooner, or quit tailgating.
  33. The comedy channels on XM Radio are not kid-friendly.
  34. No, you don't need a dirtbike.  Nobody needs a dirtbike.
  35. When putting together newly purchased items (bookshelves, entertainment centers, kid toys, etc.), it is perfectly normal for your wife to be pissed when you break them.  And, when you have leftover parts at the end, it's only natural for your wife to ask you if you followed the instruction manual. Don't take offense.
  36. The neighbors don't need to hear your TV.  You can turn it down.  Nobody will yell at you for doing so.
  37. Farting is not funny.
  38. It is normal for your wife to not know how to operate the theater room.  Just make her an instruction manual and stop making fun of her.
  39. Giving your wife the silent treatment until she agrees to purchase a dog will not work a second time.
  40. A Value Meal is not a value
  41. Your daughter's boyfriend is already afraid of you.  There's no need to stare him down at the football game.
  42. If your wife wants the furniture to be a certain way, just make it happen.  It's gonna end up her way anyway.
  43. If the only container big enough to hold the beer at a party is a plastic kids' swimming pool, that means that you bought too much beer.
  44. Do not pull out other people's body hair.  It hurts, and they don't like it.
  45. If there is rain in the forecast, do not spend $9.00 at the carwash.
  46. Brussel spouts smell like vomit.  Do not cook them indoors.
  47. Your poop is not impressive.  No matter how big or long it may be, nobody wants to go into the bathroom with you and look at it.
  48. If you plan on going drift-busting thru the neighborhood, please remember where the mailboxes were before it snowed.  They will be in the same place after it snows, too.  Just because you can't see them doesn't mean that they aren't there.
  49. You don't need power tools.  You are not a contractor.
  50. When you spin your tires in a parking lot, your wife knows it's not an accident.  Don't try to tell her it was.
  51. If you need to get on the roof, use a ladder.  Do not climb out of the upstairs window, hang from the gutter, and pull yourself up.  It's dangerous.  And stupid.
  52. When killing wasps with fireworks, please tell your children to go inside.  They can watch from the window, where they won't get stung and be traumatized.
  53. When removing training wheels from your daughter's bicycle, don't get frustrated and throw the bike down the driveway.  Doing so will result in a permanently bent frame and your daughter's inability to ride in a straight line.
  54. If you tell your wife that you are going to the lumber store to buy a 2x4, do not come home with enough wood, screws, and nails to build a house.
  55. When your son tells your wife that her new haircut makes her look like an old lady, don't laugh while she is still standing there.
  56. Do not bite your friends on the neck.  In fact, don't bite them at all.
  57. Your wife does not want to look at the gross picture texts that you receive from your friends.
  58. The I-Tunes app called "Atomic Fart" (and other just like it) do not beg to be downloaded.
  59. You don't need to buy another hat.  You don't wear them.
  60. When we go out for the evening, you don't need to wear boots "just in case someone needs their face stomped".  Nobody needs their face stomped.  You can wear normal people shoes.
  61. Even when your wife is mad at you for doing something stupid, she still loves you.  She just might not like you very much.
  62. Most importantly.............When your wife provides you with a list (grocery list, to-do list, packing list, ingredient list, etc.), FOLLOW IT.  And, yes, that includes THIS list.


Thursday, September 23, 2010


Yesterday, I lost a toenail.
Today, I contemplated pulling off the matching one on the other foot.  (It's coming off anyway!)

Today, I said FUCK a lot.  (I've decided that if I line thru the word, it's like I never said it.  So, that makes my post profanity-free.)

Last night, my son had leftover pasta for dinner and my daughter had leftover mashed potatoes.  (Yes, I am an annual recipient of several Mom-of-the-Year Awards.)  I had cereal.

Today, when I pulled into the garage and saw Jayson's truck, I thought, for a split second, that he was home.

Today, I felt better than I did yesterday.

Today, the dog completed her demolition of our sprinkler system.  If you ask her, she would rather the big tree out back NOT get water.

Today, I ate lunch around 3:30.  Does that make it "dunch"?  Or "lunner"?  Or maybe "dinch"...?

Today, I woke up to a dog gagging in my face.  Goooooooood morning!

Today, I killed a giant bee with my bare hands!  (Ok...ok...He was already dying and I picked him up by his wing and dropped him on the ground.)

Today, Sydni told me that she would like a little sister.  Um, FUCK NO.  I mean, NO.

Today, Houdini worked her magic and escaped again.  How does the dog DO that??!!  Would YOU run thru an electric fence with 2 cattle prods digging into your jugular??  Don't answer that.

Today, Sydni told me that she will NEVER get plastic surgery (picture the most disgusted look on her face that you can imagine).  EVER.

Tonight, I took a glowstick to football practice and threatened to tie it to Jaycob's helmet.  (It was dark.  I wanted to see my son.  Don't judge.)

Today, I sped up just a little when I saw a stray dog in the road.  And, later, I got the BB Gun out to shoot said dog.  I missed.

Today, I bought glittery purple and silver body/hair spray.  Why, you ask?  I have no idea.  It was pretty??????

Today, I let my truck tell me it needed gas twice.  Maybe tomorrow I'll get some.  Or, maybe, I'll just drive Jayson's (fueled-up) truck, instead.  :-)


Jayson's Top 7 Surprising Moments

Jayson emailed this list to me the other day.  I got a good laugh (until #1) and thought I'd share.

Jayson's Top 7 Surprising Moments (at least for now...)

#7. Walking in on your parents having sex

#6. Your mom walking in on you while you're having sex

#5. Leaving for training and having your wife announce she is pregnant.

#4. Your daughter informing you she has a boyfriend

#3. Farting while in the middle of training and realizing it wasn't just a fart.

#2. Realizing the hard way that the pan on the counter just came out of the oven.

#1. Holding your crying wife in your arms and realizing you are the most vulnerable person in the room.

- Jayson Geisler


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Today and I DID NOT Get Along

Although I would like to say that Today was a blur....and that I don't remember anything about Today....and that Today couldn't have been that bad.... 
Doing so would make me a liar.  (And, as a customer's 4-year old son told me, "Liars go to hell.  And, hell is a very bad guy.") 

Today and I did NOT get along.  Today was mean.  Today reduced grown men to tears.  Today made my heart hurt.  Today and I are no longer speaking to each other.  Today didn't let ME be in charge.

I guess I better explain Today.

Jayson and I got up at 3:45am.  The plan was to take showers (while not crying), drink coffee (while not crying), and then do it like rabbitts.  (Did that one hit you out of left field?)  I mean, come on.....You don't have to be a sex fiend - a YEAR is a really long time no matter how you look at it.  So, let's get it on! 

No dice.

Jayson's phone started playing Taps (AKA getting calls from soldiers) at 3:59am.  Soldiers had lost their ID Cards.  (You only need 3 things to get on the fucking plane - your dog tags, a copy of your orders, and your friggin' ID CARD!!!)  Soldiers hadn't paid their bills and were being threatened with warrants (Yes, at 4 in the damn morning - on the day of deployment).  Soldiers ex-wives were fouling things up (I think that's what ex-wives are for).  And Jayson's brain was on overload.  No last-minute sex for us.

Moving on (you're welcome)....

I got ready.  Jayson got ready.  Valerie (Jayson's mom) got ready.  Jaycob got told to go back downstairs three different times to change his shirt (apparently wrinkles and shirts short enough to be tube tops don't bother him).  And I painted an American Flag on Sydni's right cheek.  (After seeing how great it looked, a friend told me that I should probably quit my job and become a professional face painter.  Should I work at Disneyland?  Or be a carnie and work at the fair?)

We made it out the door without incident (and without sex...) and headed to the Idaho Falls Airport.

The next 4 hours went by in the blink of an eye.  We made small talk and tried to find humor in mundane things.  We talked to friends, hugged family, and took dozens of pictures.  And we all pretended that we were there for something other than THIS.

And then it came time for Jayson to leave.  We each took a turn giving him one last hug...or did we?  Now that I write this, I actually can't remember.  Oh my God.  I can't remember.  Did I hug him one more time??  Jayson, please tell me I did (I know you're reading this).
Whoa!  That ravine (see previous post) came out of nowhere.  There I was, driving along just fine.  And, then, WHAM!

Climbing back out now.....Ok.  I'm back.

So......We all jockeyed for The Best Spot in order to see Jayson standing there in formation.  We watched him as he was called forward to shake hands with his Command.  And we watched him head to the plane.  And during all of this, my children were sobbing.  I had never seen them cry like this.  Ever.

After about 5 minutes of staring thru a chainlink fence at the plane on the tarmac, Jaycob had had enough.  Sydni, on the other had, insisted on staying.  Between sobs, she told me that we couldn't leave until the plane was in the sky.  And she told me other things, too.  Like, "Mom, I've never seen dad cry before."  That one shattered what was left of my heart.  She asked me which window of the plane Dad was in.  (I had no clue.)  And she proceeded to give a play-by-play of what was happening in front of us.  "Oh, no, Mom!  They're taking the stairs away from the plane!"  And...  "Oh, no.  The guy  is starting to move his arms."  "Mom, the plane is moving.  I don't want the plane to move.  Isn't there something we can do???"

It was absolutely heartbreaking.  And then Jaycob put his arm around his sister, and, somehow, things seemed less bad.  I told them both that the 3 of us would be just fine.  And I firmly believe that.  (The dog might not survive, the grass may die, and the snow will get really deep, but us humans will be alright.)

So, here I sit.....patiently waiting for Today to go away.  Jaycob is begging to watch the news clips from today.  (At last count, there were 5 of them.  Five different videos of me sounding like a guy while I try not to cry and talk about my "feelings".  Ick.)

Ok, I gave in.  I let him watch them.  And, after the 2nd one, with tears in his eyes, he told me to turn them off.  That's my boy - let's move on.  Let's get rid of Today.

Today was mean.  I need Today to be over and gone. And to have it never come back. Today and I didn't exactly see eye-to-eye. Tomorrow will be different, tho. Tomorrow will be nice and friendly and willing to let ME be in charge.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Yes, I'm Still Alive. And, Yes, I Still Know How to Write.

For those of you out there who have wondered if I may have gone missing.  And, for those of you who have looked at me with disgust and said, "Uhhhhh, did you remove my email from your Blog List??!!".......

This one is for you. 

No, I am not missing physically.  (Although, I am missing a few brain cells and most of my sanity.)  And, no, I have not removed your email from the distribution list..... 

I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FINISH A SINGLE POST.  Don't get me wrong - I've started plenty of them.  My list of "drafts" is starting to take the lead over my list of "published".  (Yes, it's a competition.  Everything is.)  But, thanks to the storm that has been my life lately, I can't even finish a sentence in conversation, not to mention in a Blog Post.  My brain can't stay in it's lane.  It's driving erratically - even over the speed bumps.

Oh, shit.....I was going to give you an example of the storm that is my life and one just happened.  How convenient is THAT???

Jayson and I didn't sleep well last night.  (Weird, I know.  You would think we'd sleep like babies since we have absolutely nothing going on in our lives right now....)  So, starting at 6am, we both became consumed with our Blackberries, I-pods, and laptops.  (Oh, and the dog, too, since she insists on being less than an inch from our faces.  Not much of a choice when it comes to her.)  Our conversation went from making fun of stupid Facebook posts... to analyzing Hurricane Igor on Headline News... to finding more naughty apps for Jayson's new I-pod discussing how much creamer in your coffee constitutes excessive (Yes, Jayson, half creamer/half coffee is excessive.) how incredibly awful Tuesday morning is going to be for everyone. 

And then we were both crying.  And trying to figure out how to make Tuesday morning less awful for everyone.  And crying about the fact that we were both crying and trying not to look at each other while we tried to decide what to do about our awful Tuesday morning.  Jayson has to be at the hangar by 6am.  His flight leaves at 10am.  Do we all ride down together at 6?  Or do the kids and I show up later?  If we all show up at 6, will we spend the next 4 hours looking at each other and crying?  Or will we spend the 4 hours avoiding looking at each other so that we don't cry?  Or will it just end up being good quality time spent with the man that we all love?  Or will it be a combination of all of the above? 

What happens if we show up at 8:30?  Will we have missed out on several hours of time that could have been spent with Jayson... just to avoid tears?  That's not fair, is it?  Will I regret keeping the kids from those extra hours with their dad?  YES.  YES, I will regret that.  I know that.

I guess that means I've decided what to do, huh?  Hi, Jayson.  We'll be going with you to Idaho Falls at the crack of dawn on Tuesday.  I will wear sunglasses and cry for 4 hours.  The kids will eat donuts and watch your every move (while fighting over your I-pod Touch, I'm sure).  I will probably make fun of people, just to make myself feel better.  Cliche, I know.  Go ahead and judge me.  Oh, and I will take a zillion pictures.  So, Jayson, you might want to be wearing your sunglasses, too.  Hmmm, I wonder if I can get the kids to wear their sunglasses........

Ok--------Back to above, where I mentioned that my brain has been driving erratically.  See?  Do you see what I mean?  I'll think I'm on-track, and then, WHAM!!  I am suddenly gripping the steering wheel (hands at 10 and 2), slamming on the brakes, and hoping like hell I don't roll down the ravine.  I'm never sure how long the roll will last.  Will I have time to recover before someone sees me??  Or will I have to pretend to be doing something else (like during sad movies)??  There's always the I've-Got-Something-In-My-Friggin'-Eye Excuse.  Yes, I use that one A LOT.

WHAM!!!  And the hits just keep coming.  VH1 just played the new song by Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are.  It's a song that I hadn't paid any attention to until a few days ago when I saw the video for the first time.  Then, like a fool, I was rushing to I-Tunes and making my purchase.  BAD IDEA, Emily.  Why, you ask?  Well, because, it's like Jayson talking to ME.  I am dead serious.  I am HER and he is HIM and he is talking to ME.  Watch the video.  You'll see.  And now I'm crying again.  Thank you, Bruno Mars.  Jaycob wants to know if these are happy tears or sad tears.  What do I tell him?  Do I tell him that I have something in my eye?  Or do I follow my Blog Creed and BE HONEST????!!!!!  Fuck, this is hard.  (I feel better when I say FUCK, so just let me say it.  I don't care if I sound like a trucker.  I think I'd make a good trucker.  Unless, of course, I had to drive long distances or eat fast food or go to the bathroom in a rest stop or drink cold coffee or sleep on a bunk.)

Yes, I know I'm rambling.  But, I think that probably helps you understand where my head has been at for the last few days....weeks...ok, FINE!!!  Months!  However, in this perfect, little, imaginary world that I have invented in my head, everything will be back to normal after Tuesday.  I'll be able to focus and finish sentences and complete the dozens of Blog posts that I've started but not finished.  I'll no longer have those moments during the day when I feel like I can't breathe and my hands tremble.  I won't have to pretend to be doing "something else" and my eyes will suddenly be dust-free.  I'll be back on track, driving along a straight road with no speed bumps and no deep ravines along the edges.  And the storm that has been my life lately will pass and leave behind it a beautiful, double rainbow ( Double Rainbow Guy.)  One that I can take pictures of and post to Facebook, along with some stupid status update about Lucky Charms and Pots-O-Gold. 

So.......I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  I am not missing.  I have not deleted your email address from my Blog's distribution list.  I've just been a tad bit distracted.  No worries, though, I'll make up for it.  It won't be long before you'll be reading about the day that I passed-out at the doctor's office (while wearing a skirt and heels, no less), or picturing what Jayson's crushed right testicle looks like, or what Sydni was wearing the day she got sent to the Principal's office for being "dressed inappropriately". 

Don't worry....I'm almost back.  I just have to find my way out of this fucking ravine. 

HAPPY TRAKS (to all of my soldiers and to all of Valerie's adopted ones)!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

This One Was For Dad

Can't help but share this one. 

Jaycob is #48....Sacking the QB!  :-)


Monday, September 6, 2010

Love, Dad

After having Sydni ask me 2,472 times if I would PLEASE set up an email account for her, I finally did (and one for Jaycob, too).  The purpose:  So that they can both communicate with Jayson while he is gone. 

Jayson and I have been trying to come up with ways to help the kids (especially Jaycob) with the whole "I-Miss-Dad" issue.  Even though Jayson is only in Boise and will be home for a few days next week (before leaving for good), Jaycob has been reduced to tears almost daily.  So, we are giving email a try.  Hopefully, hearing from Dad and knowing what he is doing will help.

The following is an email that the kids received from Jayson this morning. 

Hi,kids. I thought maybe you would like to know what I have been doing here.

When we first arrived, we had a lot of small tasks to do. These tasks are training that we have to do in order to be certified / ready for war. Some are class room, but most are out patrolling on foot and in vehicles. There was a lot of simulated IED (improvised explosive device) training. IED's are the big problems in Iraq right now, so thankfully we are doing a ton of training to learn how to avoid or overcome them safely.

After our first few days, we transitioned into lane training, which is driving routes with our teams and also had some more IED training. While my unit was doing this, my team and one other team had to go through some make-up gunnery. Gunnery is where we move in our vehicles while shooting targets. Yes, Jaycob, I shoot the big ass .50 cal and even though I have done it before its still AWESOME. Doing the unit training and the make up gunnery made for some long days. We were getting up usually around 4am and not getting to bed until around 1 or 2 am. We tried to take naps in the vehicles during the day, but we were usually unsuccessful. My team was commended on our commands and aggressiveness (which I hope to use to scare the living shit out of the bad guys in Iraq) and finally got our groove in the shooting part. Kicked some targets ass, it was great.

After gunnery we had a bunch of packing to do. A buddy, Andrew Hall, and I were in charge of this. We loaded 2 semi trailers completely full of equipment and soldiers' gear. It was a great workout. It was in the high 90's that day so my uniform was soaked from head to toe in sweat. I actually threw that uniform away.

Now we are all just doing little things around our area. Its a bit boring but nice to have some down time to goof off and get to know each other. In part this has also been hard on me because a lot of the soldiers that look at me for advice are coming to me because they are scared of what is going on in Iraq. I try to convince them that everything will be alright, but I see in their faces they do not share the same excitement that I do. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely dread the day I leave you both and your mother.  But, at the same time, I have dreamt about this moment since I was younger than you. The fear that these soldiers have is normal, but I would really like to find a way to a alleviate those fears to make them feel better. I hope that through mine and others leadership we will be able to show them that we are all going to overcome the Talibans attempts to hurt us.

Well, I think I have you all caught up to this point and will be sending more updates often. Know that I love you both and your mother more than anything in the world. You are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep. Give your mom a huge hug for me. She needs your comfort just as much as you need hers. I love all of you.


Happy Traks!!

That's My Daughter!

Really, Sydni?  Did you just say that??

-  Today, I practiced laying down with my mouth open.  That way I won't cough when the dentist is in my mouth.
-  We need a panic room.
-  What does the winner of the Snowboard Raffle get?
-  Men should carry Men Purses.
-  Your lower legs are your forelegs.
-  10 is the age cutoff for playing with dolls.
-  There are more than fifty states.  I learned that on Miss America.
-  Going up the stairs is the hard part.
-  Do your ears stop working when you go to sleep?
-  Jaycob needs anger management.  Seriously.
-  Do they even make dog skis??

Happy Traks!!

Yes, He Really Said That

From Jaycob:

-  Cardboard is edible
-  If it looks like a beating heart, does that mean the pizza is done?
-  If I ever do band, I wanna do the big drum that has the stick with the giant cottonball on the end.
-  Do you want us to get in the tub with a mattress? (We were having a bad thunderstorm.)
-  When your pee is really yellow, why do the bubbles last longer?
-  When lonely girls grow up, they get cats.  Lots and lots of kitty cats.
-  Four sneezes in a row is a record.
-  I don't get cavities because I use Mint Cavity Control Toothpaste.
-  If you are wearing absorbent pants.....and you poop in might not feel it.
-  15 degrees is warm enough for shorts.
-  The Vancouver Olympics are in China.
-  I prefer to suck on my cheese.
-  They have dinosaurs in New Zealand.  They must cage 'em up.
-  There's no point making popcorn if I can't watch TV while I eat it.

Happy Traks!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

My Day...In Bullets

  • Got up at 4am
  • Got on the bus at 5am
  • Sat on the ground, at the top of a mountain, eating a PopTart and playing with a blue glowstick (the blue ones are the prettiest - don't argue)
  • Used the Porta-a-Potty at the starting line twice
  • Put my Ipod on "shuffle" - totally not normal for me - very out of character.  It was completely unorganized.
  • Started running at 6:15am
  • Left Knee told me he was angry at 6:16am
  • At Mile 15, I secretly wished that Jayson would appear.  He didn't.
  • At Mile 16, I finally discovered why my right shoe felt "sloshy".  Looked down to discover blood oozing out the top of my shoe.  What the fuhhhhh??
  • At Mile 20, I had to use the Porta-a-Potty again.  Not fun.  At all.
  • At Mile 23, Left Knee finally decided to cooperate.  Gee, thanks.  Good timing.
  • Just before the Finish Line, my kids joined me and crossed the line with me.  So cool!  They did that for me last year, too.
  • I sat on the grass, took off my shoes, and then got talked into having the Medics take off my sock
  • I missed April's finish because I was on the Medic table getting my toes irrigated and taped
  • Enjoyed the grass and shade for a bit before heading home
  • Had two kids bawling in the truck on I-15 because they missed their dad
  • Took Jaycob to Great Cuts to have them FIX what I did to his hair on Tuesday night with the kitchen scissors
  • Went to the store and bought 6 bags of chips.  They were Buy-One-Get-One-Free.  Stop judging.
  • Went to Dairy Queen and bought Blizzards for tonight.  Go ahead - you can judge that one.
  • Finally made it home and glued my ass to the couch
  • After spending 25 minutes arguing over who does the front and who does the back, the kids mowed the yard (I will take a picture from upstairs in the morning.  They did a great job.)
  • I took a 2 hour nap (one of my favorite parts of today).
  • The kids made me dinner, and it was delicious!
  • I finally took a shower at 7:30pm.  I don't care whether you judge that one or not.
  • And, now, I am half asleep, typing this post that doesn't really mean much, and eating my Strawberry Golden Oreo Blizzard.
  • And, later....the kids and I are having a slumber party

Happy Traks!!

P.S.  I will NOT be running tomorrow, in case you were wondering.

Friday, September 3, 2010



If, in the morning, all of the kids' clothes are folded neatly on the laundry room counter...


In the afternoon, they are longer there...

Does that mean they were put away?


If, when you open the laundry bin and find it full of "dirty" kids' clothes...


The majority of these "dirty" kids' clothes are folded...

Does that mean you've found the "clean" clothes mentioned above?

Or does that mean that your children fold their dirty clothes before putting them in the laundry bins?


Happy Traks!!


2009 Pocatello Marathon Finish
Big day tomorrow.
For me, anyway.  :-)

At 6:15 tomorrow morning, I will push PLAY on my Ipod, push START on my watch, and start my 26.2 miles in the dark.  I will blindly follow the sound of footsteps and breathing that surround me.  I will remind myself that monsters are not real and will not jump out at me from the woods.  Somewhere around Mile 2, the sun will start to come up, and I will look less at the ground in front of me and more at the beautiful hills around me.  I will search for beauty in the sky and watch for dead animals on the road.  I will start picking out people to pass.  And I will wonder, for the first 4 miles, WHY IN THE HELL I SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT.

Around Mile 5, I will find my groove.  I will realize that my legs are doing what they're supposed to be doing...without me telling them to do it.  And then I will KNOW why I sign up for this shit. 

I am broken. I've had knee surgery and foot surgery and need it again on both. I run with fitted orthotics and knee braces. I have to limp around my house with ice strapped to my body, and I have to prop my feet up to keep them from swelling. But....I keep doing it because I LOVE HOW I FEEL. Even the pain makes me feel GOOD - it makes me feel ALIVE and PROUD and CONFIDENT.  No matter how slow I am, or how fast I am, the Finish Line still lets me cross.  I have control over how I run, when I run, where I run, and how far I run.  When I run, my mind goes blank.  I only think about the things that I want to think about.  There is no stress, no worry, and no responsibility.  It's like when you were a kid and you plugged your nose, and went under the water.  You were in your own little world and no one could reach you.  It's like that.  It's my little slice of heaven (at least after the first 4 miles, anyway).

So, at Mile 5, I will be happy.  I will force down some slimy, snotty GU and try to drink water without choking.  I will start noticing other runners - what they're wearing, how they're holding their arms, how they did (or didn't do) their hair.  I will stare in awe as men and women veer off the pee.  For men, it seems easy, so I don't give them much credit.  But, the women inspire me!  I can't pee outside without peeing on myself.  How in the hell do they do it????  Or, maybeeeeeeeeee they pee on themselves, too.  Do they pass it off as sweat??  And, what about toilet paper?  Maybe it's just me, but I've always thought that toilet paper was a requirement......

At Mile 15, race spectators are allowed to join in the fun.  (Yes, I said fun.)  I will miss having Jayson there to support me this time.  But...I will call him when I'm done.  I will tell him how I did, how I felt, and how much I missed having him there.  I will tell him about the Race Walkers who pass me ( happens.  Those people are amazing!).  I will describe the Spandex outfits that some people should not have been wearing.  I will tell him how many dead snakes I saw, but hopefully not the number of LIVE ones.  And I will tell him how much I love the fact that he supports me and my running.

Don't get me wrong - Marathons are definitely not all rainbows and puppy dogs.  Your body knows when you cross that Finish Line.  And THAT is when it shuts down.  Your legs turn to Jell-O.  Your ability to communicate like an adult - with complete sentences and big girl words - goes out the window.  Four and a half hours of sweat goes from wet to dry in a matter of seconds, and all that is left is a thick coat of WHITE salt from your scalp to your ankles.  You soon discover all of your "hot spots", even if you ran the whole race smugly thinking to yourself how well you dressed.  Your bikini line will be angry at your shorts.  That crease under your boobs...the one spot on your body that you've never actually thought about'll know it exists now because it will be ON FIRE.  Your ankle will be oozing blood from where your chip timer rubbed you raw.  And you will have some fantastic tan lines (especially from that little hole in your knee brace).  But...

You will be happy!  Even if you're too tired to smile, your eyes will show it.  Unless, of course, they are closed because you have passed out.  Then, I guess, you wouldn't look so happy.  But, if you haven't passed out, you will be happy.  You will be happy because YOU DID IT!  And you did it without dying.

So, tomorrow, sometime around 10:30 in the morning, I WILL BE HAPPY...

...and begging for water, food, flip flops, a shower, clean clothes, and my couch.

Happy Traks!!

P.S.  This is my last Full Marathon for a while.  I may have overdone it this year.  (This is where Jayson will say, "I fucking told you so.  And so did your doctor!")  Pocatello will be Marathon #3 for the year.  But, along with those long races, I've managed to sprinkle in a couple of Half Marathons, a Relay, and a few 10k's.  I was set to run the Top of Utah Full Marathon on the 18th of this month, but my heart won out, and I will be staying home to spend time with Jayson while he is here.  I might squeeze in another marathon on our anniversary (October 10th).  But, my main focus after tomorrow will be VEGAS in December!  On December 5th, I will be running the Las Vegas Rock N Roll Marathon....on the Strip!!  My only question for that race, is.....What color tutu should I wear?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Learned Something!! (And I think the dog did, too.)

Remember an earlier post of mine? The one where I discovered that there is A LOT OF STUFF that I don't know how to do??  Well, last week I discovered one more thing that was foreign to me - Copper's Electric Fence & Collar.

Last Wednesday night, while the kids and I are in Idaho Falls at Jaycob's football game, I get a text from my neighbor: Copper is out. 

My response:  What the fuck??!!  How is that even possible??  Wouldn't she have been fried to a crisp?  Shouldn't she be laying on the ground twitching and breathing her last breath??  I mean, the dog has got 2 prongs of lightning attached to her neck with direct access to her jugular!  There's no way she'd survive that.

Ok, fine!  That's not really what I text back, but it's definitely what I was thinking.  Grrrrrr.  I was pissed.  The dog has never gotten past the boundaries, and here it is, less than 1 week after Jayson leaves (don't forget, Copper is HIS dog) and she has scaled the Great Wall of China.  Wonderful.

And, of all times for a football game to go into overtime, this one does.  Not single, not double, but triple freaking overtime!  (We won, in case you were wondering.)  But, instead of enjoying the game, I spend the time stewing about having to go Dog-Hunting when we get home at midnight.  But, Princess Electricity amazes me yet again.  When we get home, she is waiting for us patiently on the back steps.

So, instead of going Night Time Dog-Hunting, I prepare to spend an hour walking around our backyard, in the dark, with her collar in-hand. I need to find the break in the line, right? So, with my #48 Maroon Football Jersey on, I head out. As I near each buried line, the collar beeps. And keeps beeping as I cross the line.

Huh? Wait. What about the shock part? Oh! Maybe I have to touch one of the prongs. So, I try again, but this time I keep one finger on the prong as I cross the line. Still nothing. This is getting ridiculous.

At this point, I’m actually considering putting the damn collar on my own neck. It’s dark out. No one would see. And then it hits me…… I need to put a finger on EACH prong! Idiot. At least I figured it out before I put it on my neck, right? (Cut me some slack on this – it’s been a long day.)

To make a really long story just a little bit shorter, I shocked the shit out of myself no less than 20 times over the next 10 minutes. And that translates into me shrieking “FUCK!” 20 times in 10 minutes. Fun for the neighbors, I’m sure.

End Result – I did not find a break in the line. FUCK (yes, again, #21)!

Then comes Friday. Dog escapes again to frolic with Neighbor Dog who eats rocks.

Then comes Saturday. I wake up to Dog barking loudly. Then not so loudly anymore. Hmmmm......Weird. Sure enough, the Berlin Wall has apparently come down, and Copper is taking full advantage of her freedom by herding the landscapers in the 4-acre park out back. Fantastic.  "Jaycob, go retrieve our precious little escape artist before the mowers rearrange her body parts."

Here we go again…..





And that’s when my kids tell me about the “tester” in the garage. “Yeah, Mom. It’s hanging on the wall by the sprinkler box. Dad uses it to test the shocking part of her collar. Instead of shocking you, it just flashes a light.” Gee, thanks, Kids. That’s really helpful NOW.

But, guess what! Now I’ve found the instruction manual. GAME ON, DOG!!!

Within 30 minutes, I’ve made adjustments to Dog’s collar using giant white zip ties (aka: tightened the shit out of it), accumulated a bowlful of Dog’s neck hair (using the same kitchen scissors that I would use a few days later to cut my son's hair), and turned the dial waaaaaaay up on the panel in the garage.

Copper’s day went to hell after that. She couldn’t go anywhere without getting shocked. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think that makes me the winner.

She’ll get used to the new “Emily Rules”, eventually. (I’m already hearing fewer yelps from the backyard and she hasn't left on anymore blind dates.) Either that, or she’ll end up with some family in South Carolina who just begged me to let them have her. :-)

Happy (electrifying) Traks!!