Although I would like to say that Today was a blur....and that I don't remember anything about Today....and that Today couldn't have been that bad....
Doing so would make me a liar. (And, as a customer's 4-year old son told me, "Liars go to hell. And, hell is a very bad guy.")
Today and I did NOT get along. Today was mean. Today reduced grown men to tears. Today made my heart hurt. Today and I are no longer speaking to each other. Today didn't let ME be in charge.
I guess I better explain Today.
Jayson and I got up at 3:45am. The plan was to take showers (while not crying), drink coffee (while not crying), and then do it like rabbitts. (Did that one hit you out of left field?) I mean, come on.....You don't have to be a sex fiend - a YEAR is a really long time no matter how you look at it. So, let's get it on!
Jayson's phone started playing Taps (AKA getting calls from soldiers) at 3:59am. Soldiers had lost their ID Cards. (You only need 3 things to get on the fucking plane - your dog tags, a copy of your orders, and your friggin' ID CARD!!!) Soldiers hadn't paid their bills and were being threatened with warrants (Yes, at 4 in the damn morning - on the day of deployment). Soldiers ex-wives were fouling things up (I think that's what ex-wives are for). And Jayson's brain was on overload. No last-minute sex for us.
Moving on (you're welcome)....
I got ready. Jayson got ready. Valerie (Jayson's mom) got ready. Jaycob got told to go back downstairs three different times to change his shirt (apparently wrinkles and shirts short enough to be tube tops don't bother him). And I painted an American Flag on Sydni's right cheek. (After seeing how great it looked, a friend told me that I should probably quit my job and become a professional face painter. Should I work at Disneyland? Or be a carnie and work at the fair?)
We made it out the door without incident (and without sex...) and headed to the Idaho Falls Airport.
The next 4 hours went by in the blink of an eye. We made small talk and tried to find humor in mundane things. We talked to friends, hugged family, and took dozens of pictures. And we all pretended that we were there for something other than THIS.
And then it came time for Jayson to leave. We each took a turn giving him one last hug...or did we? Now that I write this, I actually can't remember. Oh my God. I can't remember. Did I hug him one more time?? Jayson, please tell me I did (I know you're reading this).
Whoa! That ravine (see previous post) came out of nowhere. There I was, driving along just fine. And, then, WHAM!
Climbing back out now.....Ok. I'm back.
So......We all jockeyed for The Best Spot in order to see Jayson standing there in formation. We watched him as he was called forward to shake hands with his Command. And we watched him head to the plane. And during all of this, my children were sobbing. I had never seen them cry like this. Ever.
After about 5 minutes of staring thru a chainlink fence at the plane on the tarmac, Jaycob had had enough. Sydni, on the other had, insisted on staying. Between sobs, she told me that we couldn't leave until the plane was in the sky. And she told me other things, too. Like, "Mom, I've never seen dad cry before." That one shattered what was left of my heart. She asked me which window of the plane Dad was in. (I had no clue.) And she proceeded to give a play-by-play of what was happening in front of us. "Oh, no, Mom! They're taking the stairs away from the plane!" And... "Oh, no. The guy
It was absolutely heartbreaking. And then Jaycob put his arm around his sister, and, somehow, things seemed less bad. I told them both that the 3 of us would be just fine. And I firmly believe that. (The dog might not survive, the grass may die, and the snow will get really deep, but us humans will be alright.)
So, here I sit.....patiently waiting for Today to go away. Jaycob is begging to watch the news clips from today. (At last count, there were 5 of them. Five different videos of me sounding like a guy while I try not to cry and talk about my "feelings". Ick.)
Ok, I gave in. I let him watch them. And, after the 2nd one, with tears in his eyes, he told me to turn them off. That's my boy - let's move on. Let's get rid of Today.
Today was mean. I need Today to be over and gone. And to have it never come back. Today and I didn't exactly see eye-to-eye. Tomorrow will be different, tho. Tomorrow will be nice and friendly and willing to let ME be in charge.