Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Learned Something!! (And I think the dog did, too.)

Remember an earlier post of mine? The one where I discovered that there is A LOT OF STUFF that I don't know how to do??  Well, last week I discovered one more thing that was foreign to me - Copper's Electric Fence & Collar.

Last Wednesday night, while the kids and I are in Idaho Falls at Jaycob's football game, I get a text from my neighbor: Copper is out. 

My response:  What the fuck??!!  How is that even possible??  Wouldn't she have been fried to a crisp?  Shouldn't she be laying on the ground twitching and breathing her last breath??  I mean, the dog has got 2 prongs of lightning attached to her neck with direct access to her jugular!  There's no way she'd survive that.

Ok, fine!  That's not really what I text back, but it's definitely what I was thinking.  Grrrrrr.  I was pissed.  The dog has never gotten past the boundaries, and here it is, less than 1 week after Jayson leaves (don't forget, Copper is HIS dog) and she has scaled the Great Wall of China.  Wonderful.

And, of all times for a football game to go into overtime, this one does.  Not single, not double, but triple freaking overtime!  (We won, in case you were wondering.)  But, instead of enjoying the game, I spend the time stewing about having to go Dog-Hunting when we get home at midnight.  But, Princess Electricity amazes me yet again.  When we get home, she is waiting for us patiently on the back steps.

So, instead of going Night Time Dog-Hunting, I prepare to spend an hour walking around our backyard, in the dark, with her collar in-hand. I need to find the break in the line, right? So, with my #48 Maroon Football Jersey on, I head out. As I near each buried line, the collar beeps. And keeps beeping as I cross the line.

Huh? Wait. What about the shock part? Oh! Maybe I have to touch one of the prongs. So, I try again, but this time I keep one finger on the prong as I cross the line. Still nothing. This is getting ridiculous.

At this point, I’m actually considering putting the damn collar on my own neck. It’s dark out. No one would see. And then it hits me…… I need to put a finger on EACH prong! Idiot. At least I figured it out before I put it on my neck, right? (Cut me some slack on this – it’s been a long day.)

To make a really long story just a little bit shorter, I shocked the shit out of myself no less than 20 times over the next 10 minutes. And that translates into me shrieking “FUCK!” 20 times in 10 minutes. Fun for the neighbors, I’m sure.

End Result – I did not find a break in the line. FUCK (yes, again, #21)!

Then comes Friday. Dog escapes again to frolic with Neighbor Dog who eats rocks.

Then comes Saturday. I wake up to Dog barking loudly. Then not so loudly anymore. Hmmmm......Weird. Sure enough, the Berlin Wall has apparently come down, and Copper is taking full advantage of her freedom by herding the landscapers in the 4-acre park out back. Fantastic.  "Jaycob, go retrieve our precious little escape artist before the mowers rearrange her body parts."

Here we go again…..





And that’s when my kids tell me about the “tester” in the garage. “Yeah, Mom. It’s hanging on the wall by the sprinkler box. Dad uses it to test the shocking part of her collar. Instead of shocking you, it just flashes a light.” Gee, thanks, Kids. That’s really helpful NOW.

But, guess what! Now I’ve found the instruction manual. GAME ON, DOG!!!

Within 30 minutes, I’ve made adjustments to Dog’s collar using giant white zip ties (aka: tightened the shit out of it), accumulated a bowlful of Dog’s neck hair (using the same kitchen scissors that I would use a few days later to cut my son's hair), and turned the dial waaaaaaay up on the panel in the garage.

Copper’s day went to hell after that. She couldn’t go anywhere without getting shocked. Tell me if I’m wrong, but I think that makes me the winner.

She’ll get used to the new “Emily Rules”, eventually. (I’m already hearing fewer yelps from the backyard and she hasn't left on anymore blind dates.) Either that, or she’ll end up with some family in South Carolina who just begged me to let them have her. :-)

Happy (electrifying) Traks!!


  1. Ok, so I did laugh...but, now I'm calling the humane society...

  2. Ha! That is so funny! We have a shock collar for our dog because she barks at everything that moves. After we bought it I kept ringing the doorbell so that, of course she would bark... and it would shock her till her face twitched. Still puts a smile on my face just thinking about it :0)

  3. OMG, Ashley! That is freaking hilarious!!! In a way, I kind of did the same thing. On Saturday, after I cranked up the boundary, I stood out on the back patio, arms crossed, blank look on my face, and just watched. I'm actually surprised that someone didn't call the cops. In all honesty, tho, if the cops HAD come, they would have been entertained, too. They probably would have thanked me for making their day less boring. :-)