Friday, July 22, 2011

D is for Deployment

deployment (dee-ploy-ment)  noun
(as defined by Mirriam Webster Online)
  1. A time when (military) forces are distributed in preparation for battle or work ___________________________________________________

deployment (dee-ploy-ment)  noun
(as defined by ME)

  1. Buying ducks seems like a good idea.  They're cute, little, and fuzzy. 
  2. You learn that ducks poop every 5-10 minutes.  Serious.  Every 5-10 minutes.  Like clockwork.
  3. You will experience your first mid-life crisis.
  4. You will NEVER go to bed when you wanted to.
  5. You will develop a bonafide obsession with FaceBook, Email, and Skype.  You only thought you were addicted before.
  6. You learn just how much you miss sex.  (Yep.  I said it. S-E-X.)
  7. You give yourself way too many high fives.
  8. You are left uncensored for entirely too long.  Those things that your spouse would normally talk you out of,'re gonna say 'em.
  9. You enjoy the WHOLE bed.
  10. Your kids will spend more time grounded than un-grounded.
  11. You come to realize that some people in your life are really truly not worth your time.  (If you are reading this one and assuming that I am referring to YOU, then you are either correct....or feeling guilty about something.)
  12. You will experience your second mid-life crisis.
  13. It's NOT a good idea for your spouse to leave you with a new DOG.
  14. You learn how to cry.
  15. You discover new friends and re-discover old ones.
  16. You will experience your third mid-life crisis and come to realize that this "crisis" is permanent.
  17. You develop obsessions for everything patriotic.
  18. Your 12-year old son will sleep on the floor at the end of your bed with a Halloween Lantern for 3 months.
  19. You celebrate the small victories, like.....changing the batteries in the thermostat ALL BY YOURSELF.  (This will be one of those high five moments that was mentioned in #7 above.)
  20. You discover that your built-in "Voice-Of-Reason" might need some maintenance.
  21. You won't let your kids turn on the heat upstairs until you go up there to vacuum...and see your own breath.  (I think this was due to #20 above.)
  22. You will take-on waaaaaaaaaaay more than you can handle.
  23. You take (and email) enough nude pictures of yourself to draw the attention of Hugh Hefner.
  24. Even after hearing it for 10 months, you still won't know how to respond when people look at you with their Sad Face and ask that you tell your spouse THANK YOU for his service.  (Do I say, "You're welcome."?????)
  25. You make-up a lot of lies just to keep yourself entertained.  (See the last part of #23 above.  It wasn't Hugh who was the local Sheriff's Department.)
  26. You eventually come to your senses and put a stop to allowing your 2 ungrateful children to attend gymnastics...2 nights a 2 different towns (neither town being where you actually live).
  27. Even though your husband is FIXED and you've had an ablation (go look it up - I don't feel like explaining), you spend a whole week thinking you are EFFING PREGNANT after your spouse comes home on leave.  Now, how do you explain THAT ONE??!!
  28. You learn that YOU AREN'T MARY (and Baby Jesus will not be making an appearance at your house).  Nope.  You, my dear, are pre-menopausal at the ripe 'ole age of 32.
  29. You start to feel bad about #26 above, enroll the kids in a new gymnastics program and throw in a dash of soccer...four days a fucking week while preparing for Football Season, which will consume six days of your week.
  30. You will get the kids' downstairs toilet fixed just in time for the upstairs guest toilet to break.
  31. You will threaten to get rid of your husband's dog three times...each day.
  32. The ladies at the post office will know your name.  They will also know that you sent your husband a pair of Superman Underwear for Christmas.
  33. You will buy more cases of beer than when your husband was here.  Because that's how you will pay people to help you while your husband is gone.
  34. Loneliness will become REAL.
  35. You will research and come THIS CLOSE to buying a pair of flying squirrels.
  36. You won't do even half of the "fun" home projects you had planned for while he was gone.
  37. A very important decision will be made - Next time he deploys, you're moving into a 3 bedroom / 2 bath house that has no yard and comes with a handyman (who also plows snow). 
  38. You will make dinner 7 times.
  39. You will be TIRED...exhausted to the core.
  40. You discover that, YES, you can actually function without him. now know something for sure - You would never be able to truly live without him.  HE IS YOUR EVERYTHING.
  41. You will learn to control those little panic attacks.  The shortness of breath, the incessant heart pounding, the spinning......all a result of letting yourself think that he won't come home.  YOU WILL LEARN TO CONTROL THOSE LITTLE PANIC ATTACKS.
  42. Those info-mercials for getting rid of "fine lines & wrinkles" won't be so stupid anymore.  (You've got a "friend" who could use some help with crows feet and frown lines.....)
  43. You will miss someone.
  44. Your kids will grow accustomed to the fact that you sometimes come home from work and lock yourself in your room.
  45. Planting 50 more trees/shrubs will seem like a really NEAT idea.  Then, when you're done, you'll realize that you don't know how to tie those 50 more trees/shrubs into the existing dripline.  So, go ahead and pencil-in an hour a day for hand-watering.  (You can just squeeze that in between gymnastics and soccer.)
  46. You will allow your kids to get away with murder.
  47. You will allow your husband to get away with murder (AKA unnecessary vehicle purchases).
  48. No matter how hard you try to fill the year up with races, vacations, projects, work, hobbies, celebrations, and kids' activities, TIME WILL STAND STILL.  You will find yourself holding your breath...waiting for him to come home. 
  49. You will grow in more ways than you ever thought imaginable.  You will walk away at the end of this stronger, smarter, and, most importantly, IN LOVE (with your husband - not with alcohol.)