Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What I See at the Waterpark

As part of our “getting-ready-for-Jayson-to-leave” agenda, the four of us are spending the day at the waterpark together. Lava Hot Springs, Idaho to be exact. Look it up – it’s massive. :-)


Here we are. After an hour and a half of sliding, jumping, and swimming, the little guy (Jayson) is all tuckered out and has fallen asleep in the shade. Sydni is laying here next to me, wrapped up in a towel like a burrito because she’s “cold” (it’s like 90 degrees out here) and telling me over and over again that the train going by is THE longest she has ever seen. “Seriously, Mom! THE LONGEST!” Jaycob has consumed half a bag of chips and disappeared into the wild blue yonder. We may never see him again. Me?? I’m sitting here glaring at my laptop screen, dripping sweat, and considering a quick dip in the pool. (Shocking, I know, since I’m not a fan of public pools.)

For the record, I am not working. I know that I don’t have the best track record when it comes to "not working” while on vacation. But, this time, I’m really not working – unless you consider Analyzing People a job……

So, this is what I see:

A man in a Speedo. He came in, layed down in the sun for 20 minutes and then left. I think he just wanted me to see the Speedo and take his picture (which I did).

A woman whom, I can only assume, has never heard of the notion that shaving ones bikini line is perfectly acceptable. Either that, or she’s a big fan of au natural. Just in case she wants to know what it looks like from my perspective, I took a picture.

A rather large girl (think Eddie Murphy in the Nutty Professor) who hasn’t stopped eating watermelon since we got here. She has an entire pile of rinds and is still asking her dad for more. Her less large sister just asked Dad if they breed their melons without the black seeds. Breed, eh?

A whole lot of really colorful umbrellas. It’s actually quite beautiful. There are rainbow stripes, dark green solids, red ones, Pepsi ones, and even one that looks like a blue flower – petals and all.

The rather large girl and her less large sister, whom I mentioned above, have moved on from the watermelon (it must be gone) and are now drinking potato chips out of a can. (Yes, I said drinking.) And, as if things weren’t bad enough for these two princesses, the chip crumbs are now sticking to their chests. Do you know why??? Watermelon juice.

People with no respect for others’ things or space. I can’t even count the number of times that my towel has been walked adults. And, since when did the human race forget about the “bubble concept” AKA "personal space"? You know what that is, right? The idea that, if there's room, you don’t park your happy ass within spitting distance of your neighbor. I’m tempted to ask the guy next to me if I should move my laptop from my lap so that he can sit there instead.

A boy with inside out nipples. I’ll try to get a picture of that one. Do I ask him to stop walking long enough so that the photo doesn’t turn out blurry?

Sleeping bags. I’ve seen more than one. Why would you bring sleeping bags to a waterpark?

Ants. So many ants. What are ants good for? I know that bees pollinate and birds spread seeds, but what do ants do??

A butt crack. Or maybe it’s back fat?? I actually can’t tell. If it IS his butt crack, then I must say that the man has a really long crack. But, if it’s NOT his butt crack, then that only leaves one other option – back fat that is being strangled by the man’s shorts and made to look like an ass crack. I really can’t decide which option to go with.

The longest nipples I have ever seen on a man. I am mesmerized by them. (This man happens to be the father of the Watermelon Sisters.) And they never change. They don’t shrink. They don’t lay down. They just spend hours trying to poke peoples’ eyes out. I had to put my camera in front of my face just to keep from losing an eyeball. I went ahead and took a picture, too. You’re welcome.

Enough used Band Aids to tile my kitchen floor with. Do they have special pool drains to accommodate the millions of Band Aids that must wind up in that pool yearly? I am gagging while typing this. Let’s move on.

Beanies. I know this is Idaho and we do have our share of cold weather, but COME ON!!! Really? Beanies? It’s over 90 degrees out here. Maybe that’s why some of these teenage boys act the way they do – their brains are boiled.

Every single boy who walks past the girls’ bathroom looks in. The poor guys. I actually feel sorry for them. I really think they can’t help themselves. You can see the battle raging – they don’t WANT to look, but they just HAVE to. It’s 2nd nature.

A whole lot of happy people (including everyone mentioned above). It’s nice. Fat, thin, tall, short, dark, light, young, and old. Everyone is getting along. And everyone is happy. (Except for the baby a few yards down who DID NOT plan on spending a whole day wearing a really ugly bonnet tied to her chin that Mom thinks is oh-so-precious.) Moms are relaxing. Dads are acting like kids. And the kids are amazed that Mom knows how to relax and that Dad can do a perfect one-and-half off of the 1st platform. See? It’s the perfect recipe for happiness.

Happy Traks!


  1. Okay... I seriously just laughed so hard I was crying. Jesse had to look over and ask what in the hell was so funny... so of course I showed him the pictures of Mr. Long Nipple and Ms. Spider web crotch. You crack me up. I absolutely love reading your blog!!!!!!

    Okay... I really need to get back to work, but now my stomach hurts from laughing so hard that I need to go downstairs for some Tums... thanks alot! :0)

  2. I'm glad you think it's funny! I told myself when I started writing this blog that I would not hold back. And THAT, in itself, could be offensive or even misinterpreted. :-)