Friday, August 27, 2010
Three Whole Days
Jayson left on Saturday morning.
Jaycob started crying on Monday night.
Three whole days is all it took for the sadness to set in. I really thought it would take longer. I mean, Jayson has been gone from us for months at a time before. I guess Jaycob has already realized that, this time, things will be different.
Monday night was awful. I had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to comfort him or take away the hurt. He tried so hard to hide it, but one second of eye contact with me was all that was needed for the dam to break. He sobbed and told me how much he missed Dad. I got tears in my eyes and told him that he's not alone - we all miss Dad. Our night ended in silence and we all went to bed.
But here's the kicker.......I don't have the slightest clue what to do. How do you make a kid feel better when they're sad about something that has no solution? I'm a "fixer" - if there's a problem, I find a solution (it might not be the best solution) and fix the problem.
Our next year, however, is a different kind of "problem" that I can't "fix". (Thank goodness Jaycob isn't old enough to drink, or I might have offered the poor boy a beer on Monday night.) I'm an adult. I can say, "Let's make the best of it." But what the fuck does that do for my 10 and 11 year old kids?
So, I guess I need to figure something out. I need to find a way to keep my children happy for the next 400 days. I will make that my job. I will learn from my mistakes ("Buck-up, Soldier" doesn't work so well.) and I will get creative ("Go build a snowman in the yard that looks like your dad, tattoos and all. Oh, and stand behind it and cuss at the neighbor's dogs.") I will be honest when we talk and I will tell my kids that I MISS HIM, TOO. And I will cry. Because seeing my kids in so much pain is not something that I know how to fix.
Happy Traks (with tears in my eyes)!!