I Only PRETEND to Know How to Do Everything

Let me start by saying this: Jayson's deployment has not snuck up on me. We've known for almost a year that he would be leaving this Fall. That, however, doesn't change the fact that there are a lot of things that I just plain DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO.

Let's start with the Theater Room. I don't know how to use it. (Ok, I guess that's not entirely true...I DO know how to turn on the lights.) What I don't know how to use, though, is the TV, the sound system, the BluRay player, the gaming system, and the two remote controls. I can't even turn the TV on. For the next year, (unless one of the kids is home) I will be confined to the main floor TV and the old trusty DVD player. That will certainly be easier than learning how to operate the Edwards Cinema downstairs.

I'm not allowed to use the WeedEater. I refuse to wear closed-toe shoes, jeans, a long-sleeve shirt, and protective eyewear when doing any sort of yardwork. Therefore, Jayson forbids me from using the edger because "safety precautions are a must". And, because I'm not allowed to use the machine, I've never learned how. Convenient, huh? :-) So, I will either have to hire someone to trim my edges (Get your mind out of the gutter, Sicko.) or Jayson will be coming home next Fall to some interesting landscaping. Can you picture it? I can, and I'm laughing inside.

The 4-wheeler by itself is a mystery to me. But, when you add the front-mounted snowplow to the mix.......oh geez! I don't know how to start the 4-wheeler, not to mention shift it, and I sure as hell don't know how to plow snow! I will be the only one in the neighborhood with a plow sitting in my garage....and a shovel in my hand. :-) Either that, or I'll give the plow a chance and call YOU to come dig me out of the field when I overshoot the road. Please have your phone on.

The sprinkler system has always been self-sufficient. It runs in the middle of the night and keeps our grass green. The drip lines never break and always distribute the correct amount of water depending on the season and rainfall amounts. The heads are indestructible and never need to be changed. So, it won't matter that I don't know how to use the watering system, right?

Jayson taught the kids how to mow this summer, and that is wonderful! (Except for them fighting so much over who-gets-to-mow-what that we end up with grass mohawks.) The problem, however, is not the mowing - I am perfectly capable of that. Just stick a drink in the cup holder, give me some sunscreen, and I'm off! Nooooo....the problem is with starting the mower. We have to jumpstart it. We're talking jumper cables, Jayson's truck, and a kid holding the mower seat up. Oh, and me dancing around the driveway scared to death that I am about to be blown up. Maybe this is a good thing....if I can't mow the grass, then the untrimmed edges won't look so bad. Perfect.

I don't know how to change the air filter in the furnace. I don't know how to fix a running toilet. I don't know what to do if a smoke alarm starts beeping. I don't know how to chop veggies without cutting myself. I don't know how to put the RocketBox on my truck (and I don't know how to take it off). I don't know how to change the florescent lights in the garage. I don't know how to cut the hair (yes, it's mine) out of the vacuum motor. I don't know how to change out the propane tank on the grill. I don't know how to make the dog listen. I don't know how to make the kids listen. I don't know how to put gas in my truck. I don't know what all of our light switches do. I don't know how to fix the brakes on Jaycob's bike. I don't know how to start a fire in the firepit. I don't know how to take the trampoline apart (or put it back together). I don't know how to make our bed. I don't know how to use the DVR. I don't know how to get my kayak off of the garage ceiling. And I don't know how to back a trailer up.

So....if you would like to block my phone number, I don't blame you one bit. Just don't answer your door for the next year.

P.S. I DO know how to put gas in my truck, and I DO know how to make our bed. I just don't LIKE to.

Happy Traks!