Friday, November 12, 2010

In Loving Memory of Our Toilet

Last year, we threw a Halloween Party.  This year..........  Uh, yeah......NO PARTY. 

I've known since the end of last year's party that we wouldn't be having one this year.  And THAT decision had nothing to do with the boys' deployment.  Instead, it had everything to do with toilets, running water, and my sanity.

I should probably just start off by telling you that the whole thing was MY FAULT. 

It was MY FAULT because I let Jayson plan it. 

Enough said, don't ya' think?  In fact, I could probably just stop telling the story right here because just the thought of Jayson being given free reign on party-planning is like a story in itself - no narration needed.  However, in the spirit of killing time on our 2 hour flight to Dallas, I will tell you the story about the night when I was right, Jayson was wrong, and we turned our home into a Local Splash Park.

Technically, the "cause" for all of the middle-of-the-night drama started much earlier in the week.  That was about when I started lining the bar with 20 bottles of liquor and trying to decide which flavors would go best with which kinds of Jell-O.  I mean, come on, if you're gonna make 300 Jell-O shots, you can't screw it have to plan and experiment.  

Welllllllllllll, in the process of experimenting with the Jell-O shots, Miss Emily had a great idea.......(wait for it.....wait for it....)...JUNGLE JUICE!!!!!!  It's healthy and refreshing, so it can't be ALL bad.  Just work with me here.....a little ice, a little Kool-Aid, a little water (ok, I'm lying about the water), a whole lotta fruit (thank you, Produce Department, for letting me clean you out), and...........2, 3, 5, ok, maybe 7 bottles of Vodka.  Presto!!!!!  You've got yourself a Cooking Pot Full O' Goodness.  And, in a effort to not disappoint our "tastetesters" (we're gonna call them "tastetesters" since that sounds better than "drunks"), we made sure that Pot Full O' Goodness was allowed to marinate out in the beer fridge for several days.  You're welcome, Tastetesters.  Anytime....anytime.

Since we're still in the planning stages this week before the Party-that-I-Allowed-Jayson-to-Plan, we're cleaning out the garage, picking up food, filling the swimming pool with ice, and packing insulation (AKA more beer than should be in any fridge) around the Pot Full O' Goodness and the 300 Jell-O shots that now call the beer fridge Home.

After somehow managing to survive Planning Week, we finally make it to Party Night.  I don my Naughty Fairy Costume as Jayson paints on his Wranglers, puts on his vest (sans shirt), and grabs his guns.  Naughty Fairies and Cowboys go great together.  Don't argue.  (Remember from above.....In this story, I was RIGHT and Jayson was WRONG.)
Dressed to take the kids out Candy-Hunting. 
We thought it would be a good idea for Jays to wear a shirt for that.
(Ok...Ok...I thought it would be a good idea.  He would go to work shirtless, if he could.)
The kegs are in place, the spider webs are hung, and the drinks are flowing.  We had Cavemen and Cavewomen molesting our door jams.  We had an Illegal Immigrant make his way to the front yard, where a Cowboy and his men taught the Illegal Immigrant how to throw up.  He had forgotten how.  Yes, it is possible to be THAT drunk.  And, to be honest with you, the Cowboy was the best candidate for that teaching job since he had been out back practicing all night long.  We didn't even have to interview him before sending him off to help his student.  Well-qualified....well-qualified.

We had LDS Missionaries.....with backpacks full of beer, porn, and weed.  Moses was there with his Prom Queen.  And we even got to sign our names on the bare ass of our very own Naked Astronaut.  Talk about THE MAIN SHOW!!!  I mean, half the people only came for THAT.

When you start a party with 300 Jell-O shots, 2 kegs, and a lifetime supply of Jungle Juice (healthy & refreshing, remember?), things can get moving pretty fast.  However, if you start a party with all of the above PLUS a friendly 6-person beer bong named BongZilla, your night will go quite a bit faster.  Trust me.  I watched it unfold.  It wasn't pretty.

After most of the Jailbirds, Gun Slingers, Giant Candy Bars, and Naughty Cops had shuffled home, we (in this story, "we" is a replacement word for "I" or "me") cleaned up food, collected Jell-O shot cups from places in my home that I didn't even know we had, and overflowed the garbage can out front with beer bottles, liquor bottles, and anything else that makes really loud noise in the middle of the night.  Sorry, Neighbor, but I'm headed to bed STAT.

Ahhhhh, bed.  Jayson is passed out (snoring, of course) and dead to the world.  The naked astronaut and his naughty fairy are asleep in the next room.  I am laying there thinking about how disgusting my kitchen floor is and whether or not we are gonna need to powerwash our garage floor.  I'm also contemplating using the lint roller on the walls to get rid of the Caveman hair.  That should work, right?

That's when I hear it.  There's someone the bathroom.  I nudge Jayson twice - no response.  I poke him in the ribs once - no response.  He must be dead.  So, I flick him in the forehead.  Ok, not dead - He's awake.  I send him downstairs to find out why someone has made the trek down there to use a toilet when there's a perfectly good one right here on the main floor.  He doesn't go willingly, but he goes.

And this is his report when he returns:  Naked Astronaut is - for real - 100% without clothes and sitting IN the toilet.  In. The. Toilet.  No seat...just bowl and astronaut ass.  But, it's ok.  He says he's fine. 

Oooooooooookay.  Whatever.

Jayson is back to snoring in 2 seconds flat.  I am still laying there trying to figure out who poured tequila in the beer bong and, better yet, who LET someone pour tequila in the beer bong. 

Ten minutes later, I hear someone in the main floor bathroom.  MY GOSH!  Someone has a serious bladder issue.

WHAM!!!!!  Whoever was just in the bathroom has either exploded....or fallen down.  Nudge Jayson - nothing.  Poke Jayson - nothing.  Flick him in the nipple.  He's alive.  I send him on another recon mission to yet another bathroom.

And this is his report when he returns:  Naked Astronaut is still 100% without clothing.  This time, however, he is not IN the toilet - he is ON the toilet.  Seat down, lid down, naked astronaut ass sitting on top.  But he says he's good-to-go.

Oooooooooooooooooooookay.  Whatever.
(I feel like we've done this before.  Have we???)

Jayson is back to snoring, and I'm back to wondering how to get Jungle Juice off of my tile and beer off of my carpet.  And I'm trying to figure out what that loud WHAM was.

Then, finally, I realize that I hear running water.  In fact, I've been hearing it for a while now.  I guess I just thought it was the toilet running after being flushed.  But, wait....I never heard the toilet flush.  Hmmmm.  It sounds different, muffled somehow. 

Nudge, poke, flick.  He's alive.  And I send PVT Dickman on another mission.  This time, though, he veers off-course and heads towards our bathroom, where he proceeds to pee for, oh-I-dunno-TEN MINUTES.  Then, before I can stop him, he's back in bed.  Wait!  I said Recon Mission, Soldier!  Get your ass out of bed and go to the other bathroom.  NOW!!!  He argues.  He cries.  He balls his fists up, pounds his pillow, and kicks his feet.  I think he even says he hates me and will never share his candy with me again.  But I finally win.  He's up and headed to check on Naked Astronaut for the THIRD time.

I hear him open the door.  I hear him ask Naked Astronaut if everything is "cool".  I hear Naked Astronaut mumble a response.  And I get the sense that my Recon Mission is heading south.  Damn it!!!  I jump out of bed in my not-for-public-viewing outfit and come up behind Jayson.  He is standing in the bathroom doorway shootin' the breeze with Naked Astronaut.  No biggie.  Just chillin'.

What......the......FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK (sorry, I can't come up with another word).  It's like a tsunami!  There are WAVES of water coming out of the bathroom.  I'm being serious right here.  Stop laughing.  There are little miniature waves lapping at my ankles.  I'm looking at a shark fin and a school of fish heading for my dining room.  WHAT............THE...............FUCK.

JAYSON!!!!!!  The fucking toilet is broken!  Ok, not broken....more like shattered.  Kind of like my life at this very second in time.  Shattered.

Let's back-up a few minutes...back to the last nudge-poke-flick when I thought Jayson was awake.  I was wrong.  He was just pretending to be awake.  But NOW....NOW that I am talking about buying Koi Fish for our hallway and lily pads for our guest room and cool light features for our staircase waterfall....He is REALLY awake.  Thanks for joining the real world, Jays.  Now WHAT THE FUCK do we do??!!!!

Jayson dives for the space between the toilet and the wall where we have a 1 inch pipe sticking out creating a water feature that we did not ask for.  (For the record, Naked Astronaut is still sitting on the toilet.  The seat is in tact - it's just the tank that isn't standing.)  I head downstairs for towels.  My ears are ringing and my legs aren't working the way they usually do.  This is what the "professionals" would call the early stages of an anxiety attack.  Whatever.  I need towels.  I turn on the light in the gym and head toward the towel closet.....and get smacked in the face with water.

Oh My God. 

Get towels, back away slowly, keep breathing.  That was my imagination. 
Turn on the lights in the downstairs bathroom, grab a few towels, hear something funny.  Look up.
Oh My God.

There is an ocean in the light fixture.  It's only a matter of time before a coral reef forms.  Probably shouldn't have that light ON, should I?

Jayson finds me at the top of the stairs, curled into the fetal position, where I am rambling incoherently about rivers and streams and toilets and sheetrock and light bulbs.  I point to the downstairs bathroom.  He gets it and rushes for the breaker box.  That's when Naked Astronaut wraps a towel around his waist, walks down the hall, and says, "There ain't much more we can do tonight.  Let's just head to bed."

Are you kidding me??!!  My house is flooding and you want to go back to bed??!!!!  Not only NO, but hell NO!  And give me the freaking towel that you've got tied around your waist.  I NEED IT!!!!

I don't know what happened to Naked Astronaut after that.  I spent the next hour going back and forth between hugging myself and rocking back and forth on the top step.....or sitting curled in the fetal position on the couch.  Somewhere, during all of this, Naked Astronaut lets us know how relieved he was that we came in when we did because he didn't know how high the water would get.  Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh.  You're welcome????  I cried myself to sleep that night.  I may have even stopped breathing a few times.  (Ok....more than a few times...)

I'll spare you the details of the clean-up.  The world was right again in about a week.  We had a new toilet the very next morning.  We had enough fans going to create an indoor parachuting facility.  And the carpets were dry in a few days.  We didn't even have water damage on the walls.  Our furnace wasn't very accepting of the water it got thru the bathroom vent, but it eventually recovered, too.

We've had a solid year of good toilet jokes.  Jayson has received several toilets in the bed of his truck.  And Naked Astronaut has a designated bush on the west side of our property.  He's not allowed to use our indoor plumbing without a battle buddy, and he's ok with that.  Will he ever live this one down?  Nah.  Never.

To all of the husbands out there who are forced out of bed to go "check" on things....just do it.  And, do it right the 1st time.  Otherwise, you may find yourself spending the next week sucking water out of your carpet...........with a straw!


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