WITH JAYSON HOME FROM IRAQ AND THE LAST YEAR BEHIND US, I COULD EASILY STOP WRITING. BUT THEN HOW WOULD I TELL YOU THAT MY HUSBAND CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH A SHIRT ON AND THAT I USED OUR KITCHEN SCISSORS TO TRIM THE GRASS THIS SUMMER? So, for YOUR sake, I will keep writing. (You're welcome.)
I SHOULD WARN YOU: OUR LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS "CLEAN". SO, BE PREPARED FOR PLENTY OF FOUL LANGUAGE, DISGUSTING HUMOR, AND WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The World of Jayson
and a plethora of other
(and I quote)
"cool gear that makes everyday life easier...This stuff is just so nice and FUN."
The above shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us. We knew before Jayson even left that there was a "really friggin' cool Tactical Store" at Camp Shelby. I expected the occasional purchase.....like an extra ammo pouch, maybe some goggles, or, hell, even a new knife (I think that would give him a total of 9). What I didn't expect, however, was for $500 to be sucked out of his account at the speed of light, while I sat at home wondering what in the hell he needed suspenders for. (I am currently awaiting a hand-written Thank You card from the "really friggin' cool Tactical Store".....)
Let me give you a recap......
"Hey, Babe. I went and got some comfort items today."
That was not a joke. He really said "comfort items". What the fuck heck are comfort items??!! Do those two words even go together?? I'll give you a moment to laugh.
"No, really, Babe. Just a few things to make life easier. Like a rug - so my little footsies don't have to touch the cold, hard, cement floor when I'm getting ready for bed. And a fan. Oh, and a little pink teddy bear with the cutest little button nose to help me sleep at night."
Ok. Fine. He didn't say "footsies".
And he didn't buy a little pink teddy bear. At least, not that he told me about, anyway.
(This is an actual email from Jayson.)
I know you told me not to, but I have been doing it anyway. There is just so much cool gear that makes everyday life easier, and yes I have been buying the hell out of it. I hope that I am close to being done. This stuff is just so nice and FUN.
- Jayson Geisler
(By the way......The subject line of the above email said "Ha". As in, "Hahahahahaha, I'm buying shit that I don't really need. Neener Neener Ha Ha".)
Now for the list of stuff he has bought.....
- Suspenders. Yes, suspenders. Think Santa Claus...in camo. He swears they keep his pants up when he's wearing body armor. But, I bet he just thinks they look cool.
- Helmet Flashlight. Because owning 12 flashlights just isn't enough. I don't get why he can't just Duct Tape one of his other 12 flashlights to his freaking head.
- ShamWow Bath Towel. Yes. You heard me. My husband now owns a ShamWow Towel that's the size of him. "Babe! It is so cool! It's like a chamois for my body! I can dry myself like a car. Plus, I'll be spot-free!"
- A new chin strap for his helmet. Because, apparently, it's hard to kick in doors and punch babies (not my saying - his) when your Kevlar helmet is covering your eyes. Go figure.
- A weapons sling mount. I have no clue what that is, so I can't even make fun of it. Unless, of course, he could have just used one of my old bras instead. Would that work??
- A butt stock case. Again, I have no clue what that is, but my mind is already going in a very bad direction. He said "butt". I can't help myself. Sorry. Please forgive me.
- A fan. I'm going to guess he means, like, a box fan to keep his sweat to a slow drizzle rather than a steady rain????
- A poncho liner. He thinks this is pretty fucking special. Not sure why, tho, since we've owned like 2 million of them in our 13 years of military life. I mean, come on......Even our kids have one. He could have just asked one of them to loan it to him for a year.
- A little, blue blankie to keep him warm and snugly at night.
- A CamelBak..............OH MY FUCKING GOD..............are you kidding me?????? In just ONE closet here at our house, we currently have FOUR OF THOSE!!!!!! What in the FUCKhell world did he need another one for??? Are CamelBaks like guns now? One on your hip, one on your chest, and one strapped to your ankle?? That "really friggin' cool Tactical Store" owes me a lot more than a stupid Thank You card.
- A rug. Probably a nice, plush one like I've been wanting for our bathroom for years now. God forbid his precious little dainty feet have to touch the cold, hard concrete. His feet are beautiful....we wouldn't want them messed up. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Sydni should send him some of her nail polish. Which color goes best with camo? Grey, green, hot pink, maybe??
- A whole lotta junk. 48 bottles of Gatorade, 72 bottles of water (I guess those are to fill his ankle strap CamelBak), 9 pizzas, 8 buffalo chicken sandwiches, and 3 large bags of Reeses Pieces. You know, the healthy necessities...."comfort items", remember?? I wonder if this was a one day supply or two.
- And, most recently, a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary, complete with a card that said "Happy 12th Anniversary".
Jayson got a big kick out of calling that order in.
The Flower Lady asked him what he wanted on the card.
He said, "Well, it's our 13th anniversary, so let's put Happy 12th."
Flower Lady: "You mean, 13th?"
Jayson: "No, put 12th. She wouldn't expect anything different."
So, while the 3 of us sit here in the dark (to save money) with the heater off (to save money) and eat our $0.39 Top Ramen (to save money), our thoughts go out to poor, poor Jayson who is probably, at this very moment, trying to choose which of the 400+ movies to watch on his laptop. Or, maybe, he's struggling to beat that final level on his newest Ipod Touch game. Or, even worse, what if it's Lights-Out and he is frantically searching for his blankie and teddy bear and, in the mass hysteria, has tripped on his new plush rug??!! Oh my! The poor, poor guy! I need to get a Care Package sent to him STAT!
P.S. Dear "Really Friggin' Cool Tactical Store" Owner,
Jayson is no longer allowed in your store. Nor are you allowed to provide him with website info for "really friggin' cool tactical gear" that you don't currently have in-stock. He doesn't need anything else. His wall locker is only so big, and our bank account is only so small.
Some Chick in Idaho who is Contemplating a Personal Visit to Your "really friggin' cool tactical store"