WHILE YOU WERE GONE... but now you're back

THIS

PLUS

THIS

EQUALS

<----THIS

and

THIS---->

and a plethora of other

(and I quote)

"cool gear that makes everyday life easier...This stuff is just so nice and FUN."

(Yes, that's what he said.)

_________________________________________________________________

The above shouldn't come as a surprise to any of us. We knew before Jayson even left that there was a "really friggin' cool Tactical Store" at Camp Shelby. I expected the occasional purchase.....like an extra ammo pouch, maybe some goggles, or, hell, even a new knife (I think that would give him a total of 9). What I didn't expect, however, was for $500 to be sucked out of his account at the speed of light, while I sat at home wondering what in the hell he needed suspenders for. (I am currently awaiting a hand-written Thank You card from the "really friggin' cool Tactical Store".....)
Let me give you a recap......

Week 1:

"Hey, Babe. I went and got some comfort items today."

That was not a joke. He really said "comfort items". What the ~~fuck~~ heck are comfort items??!! Do those two words even go together?? I'll give you a moment to laugh.
"No, really, Babe. Just a few things to make life easier. Like a rug - so my little footsies don't have to touch the cold, hard, cement floor when I'm getting ready for bed. And a fan. Oh, and a little pink teddy bear with the cutest little button nose to help me sleep at night."

Ok. Fine. He didn't say "footsies".

And he didn't buy a little pink teddy bear. At least, not that he told me about, anyway.

Week 2:

(This is an actual email from Jayson.)

I know you told me not to, but I have been doing it anyway. There is just so much cool gear that makes everyday life easier, and yes I have been buying the hell out of it. I hope that I am close to being done. This stuff is just so nice and FUN.

- Jayson Geisler

(By the way......The subject line of the above email said "Ha". As in, "Hahahahahaha, I'm buying shit that I don't really need. Neener Neener Ha Ha".)

Now for the list of stuff he has bought.....

- Suspenders. Yes, suspenders. Think Santa Claus...in camo. He swears they keep his pants up when he's wearing body armor. But, I bet he just thinks they look cool.

- Helmet Flashlight. Because owning 12 flashlights just isn't enough. I don't get why he can't just Duct Tape one of his other 12 flashlights to his freaking head.

- ShamWow Bath Towel. Yes. You heard me. My husband now owns a ShamWow Towel that's the size of him. "Babe! It is so cool! It's like a chamois for my body! I can dry myself like a car. Plus, I'll be spot-free!"

- A new chin strap for his helmet. Because, apparently, it's hard to kick in doors and punch babies (not my saying - his) when your Kevlar helmet is covering your eyes. Go figure.

- A weapons sling mount. I have no clue what that is, so I can't even make fun of it. Unless, of course, he could have just used one of my old bras instead. Would that work??

- A butt stock case. Again, I have no clue what that is, but my mind is already going in a very bad direction. He said "butt". I can't help myself. Sorry. Please forgive me.

- A fan. I'm going to guess he means, like, a box fan to keep his sweat to a slow drizzle rather than a steady rain????

- A poncho liner. He thinks this is pretty ~~fucking~~ special. Not sure why, tho, since we've owned like 2 million of them in our 13 years of military life. I mean, come on......Even our kids have one. He could have just asked one of them to loan it to him for a year.

- A little, blue blankie to keep him warm and snugly at night.

- A CamelBak..............OH MY ~~FUCKING~~ GOD..............are you kidding me?????? In just ONE closet here at our house, we currently have FOUR OF THOSE!!!!!! What in the ~~FUCK~~ ~~hell~~ world did he need another one for??? Are CamelBaks like guns now? One on your hip, one on your chest, and one strapped to your ankle?? That "really friggin' cool Tactical Store" owes me a lot more than a stupid Thank You card.

- A rug. Probably a nice, plush one like I've been wanting for our bathroom for years now. God forbid his precious little dainty feet have to touch the cold, hard concrete. His feet are beautiful....we wouldn't want them messed up. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe Sydni should send him some of her nail polish. Which color goes best with camo? Grey, green, hot pink, maybe??

- A whole lotta junk. 48 bottles of Gatorade, 72 bottles of water (I guess those are to fill his ankle strap CamelBak), 9 pizzas, 8 buffalo chicken sandwiches, and 3 large bags of Reeses Pieces. You know, the healthy necessities...."comfort items", remember?? I wonder if this was a one day supply or two.

- And, most recently, a beautiful bouquet of flowers for our anniversary, complete with a card that said "Happy 12th Anniversary".
Jayson got a big kick out of calling that order in.
The Flower Lady asked him what he wanted on the card.
He said, "Well, it's our 13th anniversary, so let's put Happy 12th."
Flower Lady: "You mean, 13th?"
Jayson: "No, put 12th. She wouldn't expect anything different."

So, while the 3 of us sit here in the dark (to save money) with the heater off (to save money) and eat our $0.39 Top Ramen (to save money), our thoughts go out to poor, poor Jayson who is probably, at this very moment, trying to choose which of the 400+ movies to watch on his laptop. Or, maybe, he's struggling to beat that final level on his newest Ipod Touch game. Or, even worse, what if it's Lights-Out and he is frantically searching for his blankie and teddy bear and, in the mass hysteria, has tripped on his new plush rug??!! Oh my! The poor, poor guy! I need to get a Care Package sent to him STAT!

P.S. Dear "Really Friggin' Cool Tactical Store" Owner,
Jayson is no longer allowed in your store. Nor are you allowed to provide him with website info for "really friggin' cool tactical gear" that you don't currently have in-stock. He doesn't need anything else. His wall locker is only so big, and our bank account is only so small.

Sincerely,

Some Chick in Idaho who is Contemplating a Personal Visit to Your "really friggin' cool tactical store"

HAPPY TRAKS!!

Thirteen years ago today, I married a complete stranger.

Gotcha, didn't I?

YOU thought I was gonna say, "Thirteen years ago today, I married my best friend." Ha! That would have been a load of crap. I can't say that - it would make me a liar. And lying is wrong, unless, of course, it's necessary.

So, yes, thirteen years ago, I married a complete stranger. Wanna hear the story?? Of course you do.

PVT Geisler (I think it's fun to call him Private. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I outranked him at this point in our lives. Actually, I still outrank him. I'm the Chief of Staff/Colonel/Command Sergeant Major/Boss of the World.) and I met in the barracks at Fort Bragg, N.C. in the summer of 1997. (He says we met on the steps outside, but I say he's wrong.) We had both arrived there over the 4th of July weekend and were eventually assigned to the same unit and the same barracks.

The Barracks...Picture a really old hotel...or a jail...whichever. My room was at the very end on the right. PVT Geisler's room was two doors before mine, on the right. His room was painted all kinds of girly colors - mine was not. His room had bunkbeds - mine did not. (Apparently, PVT Geisler and his roommate, PVT Finney, preferred to sleep one on top of the other.) My room had a fridge full of water and coffee and fruit and yogurt. His room had a fridge full of beer and beer and beer. My room had a lava lamp - his room had a 40 oz Mickey's beer bottle full of pee. (God forbid they walk down the hall in the middle of the night to use a TOILET.) My room smelled like soap and flowers and incense - his room, ummmmmmm, did not.

But, for some reason, I was drawn to his room. Every day...like a magnet. So amazing and just plain meant-to-be. Like there was this special aura between us.

Bullshit.

It wasn't magic. It was ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler. In his baggy jeans and no shirt, he would stand in his doorway and wait for me to pass. He'd say HI to me as I headed out for a run in my boxers and sports bra (What in the hell was I thinking??). On my way back, he'd offer a ginormous beer, that I would kindly take....and leave in my fridge until he ran out and needed one. Needless to say, he was hitting on me, and I was clueless. I had a boyfriend - why would someone be hitting on a girl who already has a boyfriend?? THAT made no sense to me. (I was just barely 18, had never dated, and had Demi Moore-short hair, so give me a break for not knowing he wanted me.)
Every day, this shirt-less guy would try to lure me into his room with a 40 oz bottle of beer. (I hated beer at that point in my life.) The only actual words I can remember him ever saying were in reference to my boyfriend - "Don't say Boyfriend." Apparently, guys who hit on girls don't like for the girl to talk about her boyfriend. Go figure. The guy, however, is allowed to talk about the boyfriend. As in, "He's cheating on you." and "What a douche." and "What could you possibly see in that idiot?!"

Fast forward a few weeks >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Boyfriend was cheating on me...With his ex-girlfriend.

He showed up at my room one night, drunk beyond living, told me all about it, and proceeded to pass out on my bed. I left. And went down the hall to find ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler.

I found him. We watched a movie and talked about our feelings.

Just kidding - I don't talk about feelings. We just watched a movie.

~~Jayson's~~ PVT Geisler's version of this story is just a tad bit different. If you ask him, he says we did it like rabbits. He's wrong. I'm right. We watched a movie.

This is where it gets super duper romantic.....

About a week later, ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler rode a bus home to New Mexico and slept with his ex-girlfriend - repeatedly. (I hope he suffered severely on his million-hour bus ride.) Actually, now that I write this, I wonder if he confused this experience with the one mentioned above (where I say we watched a movie). Duh. The whole "did-it-like-rabbits" experience was with Ex-Girlfriend. Now that makes a whole lot more sense. Moving on.....

~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler came back to Fort Bragg two weeks later, and life carried on. Just the usual dating scene. Hanging out with friends, playing pool, watching TV, and, a week later, coming up with the great idea of getting married.

No, you didn't skip a part of the story. And, no, I didn't leave anything out.

Let's re-cap:

- ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler spends a few weeks trying to lure me with beer.
- My boyfriend cheats on me, and ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler and I watch a movie.
- One week later, ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler heads to New Mexico and spends a few weeks with his ex-girlfriend, doing it like rabbits.
- A week after he returns to Bragg, we decide that getting married would be "FUN!"

So, what is that.....?

A Few Weeks (of me w/ Boyfriend)

One Week (of me w/ ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler)

A Few Weeks (of ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler w/ Ex-Girlfriend)

A Week (of me w/ ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler)

Six Weeks of dating????

Can we even call it that?

I don't think so.

So, here we are, 6 weeks into our blissful life together. We're sitting around, drinking beer (gross) with friends, and contemplating marriage. Well, actually, it was our friends' idea. We were just along for the ride. How FUN! The four of us getting married. It would be like a double date. Except for the date part.

The next ~~day~~ night....Our Wedding ~~Day~~ Night...

We piled into the car - sober girls in the front, drunk boys in the back - and headed to the police station. (Yes, the police station. Where else would one get married at the spur of the moment??) Stopped at the gas station first, though, to pick up our rings. (Again, it's night time....You really don't have many options for jewelry, other than purple and red RingPops.)

The police station was interesting. We had to wait in line. In front of us, we had some really classy people. One was paying fines. The other was bailing his buddy out of jail. Next came US, in all of our fancy wedding glory.....jeans, tennis shoes, really ugly shirts, and RingPops. And, while the Clerk watched baseball, we got married. Simple as that.

Time to celebrate!

Ever heard of Faces of Death? Well, we went to the midnight showing of Faces of Death IV for our "reception". I can vividly remember the clip of the man trapped beneath the car that he had been working on. I'm pretty sure his legs were completely detached from the rest of his body. Please don't be jealous because my wedding reception was better than yours. You can always renew your vows and copy us.

Here's another twist to the story......None of our parents knew about any of this. I was 18 and had just married a complete stranger. ~~Jayson~~ PVT Geisler was 20 and had just married an 18 year old girl from Oregon. No biggie. I'm sure the parents wouldn't care, so why even bother them with the info?? They're busy people.

My dad learned the news of his daughter's marriage from a friend at the track. As in, "Hey, Tom. Congrats on Emily's marriage!" It's amazing how fast news can travel from one side of the country to the other.

~~Jayson's~~ PVT Geisler's mom got a call a few months later. After spending October and November telling Valerie about his "friend" Emily, someone finally grew some balls and spilled the beans. Let's just say that it took many, many years for Miss Valerie to like Miss Emily. (I'm pretty sure the moment came in 2002 while we were chasing each other around the yard, calling each other names, and trying to rip the other's hair out. Somehow, that helped us see eye-to-eye.)

My mom and ~~Jayson's~~ PVT Geisler's dad received calls from us with a whole lot of throat clearing and ummmmms and ahhhhs. I mean, how in the hell are you supposed to start that conversation?? "Hey, Mom! How's the weather?? It's hot & humid here. I'm married. There's a hurricane off the coast of Florida. Might hit us tomorrow."

Of course, nobody thought we'd last more than a year. We were in the Army, didn't know each other, and still liked to play Candyland. Our idea of a fun night out involved stealing things from peoples' yards, gift-wrapping dead, frozen cats, and getting our drunk ferret to play with our kitten.

Funny thing....We made it past the first year. And then 12 more. And it's been one hell of an incredible journey. The complete stranger that I married 13 years ago today is now my best friend, my hero, my rock, and the one person who truly understands me.

So, yes, unbeknownst to me.....Thirteen years ago today, I married my best friend.

Who knew that RingPops had such amazing powers?

HAPPY TRAKS!!